listening to annointed music from "still waters" now... it's one of those moments where i've tried speaking out to God, voicing my thoughts... just throwing Him questions n my grousing. to no avail. or so i thought. throwing it all out, even to Him, didn't seem enough. well, plugged my earphones in as usual but w/o thought i started playing this album... which is nt my usual choice at all. n i know it sounds airy-fairy-cliched-heard-u-many-times-i-know-u're-holy, but... when u have this nagging heaviness in ur heart u dunno frm where exactly it originated, plus u dunno how to stop it, the peace i felt that came over me immediately is REAL. n it is what i need. it's as though God is speaking through the music... nt in like a deep "OHHHH Sharmaine..." lah. but it's like His voice takes over the music n goes in through ur ears straight to ur heart. i dunno how many times i've heard pastor prince preach abt listening to annointed worship music already, but i guess it's all the more precious when in such times u rmbr God is ever so comforting.

actually i'm nt like going through any major trial or anything lah... just that the past few days i feel like i'd been under minor attack. a couple of my supervisors saying/doing things that pinpoint me, seem to be finding fault with me or perhaps just misunderstanding/pure miscommunication. no severe consequences involved whatsoever, but just made me super buay-song cos i'm still a people-pleaser lah... i want to be loved n adored by all! who dosen't?? but u know what, even the people who like u can say things that hurt u, unknowingly or maybe nt on purpose... of cos, only the people close to ur heart can have such power over ur emotions rite?

at first, hearing words like, "don't be a disgrace", "u're disgusting" or even "u're smelly" (the nerve!! i abhor BO n use deodorant almost excessively how can i be smelly!!! *growl*) stirred up some anger within, no matter whether they were said in half-jest @@. then of cos i think back of all the wonderful brothers n sisters i have in church who have NEVER spoken like this to me, only affirming me in Abba's love... then i started comparing lor. "dun wanna have friends outside already! i wanna be a loner!" chey. then i started thinking more after calming down a bit, do these people really believe i'm all they say i am? if nt, then why say it? what's the point? why throw me something that is a lie (a joke is a lie in some sense)? i've grown so accustomed to, for lack of better words, my new creation grace-gospel church culture that i think i hardly ever speak anything that i dun believe in anymore. as the bible tells us, death n life is in the power of the tongue. what i speak, i now i shall surely have bcos Jesus is my authority in heaven. therefore, why throw hurting words at people? u dunno their life story, u dunno what they've been through, u dunno what pricks their heart, so what right do u have? then it struck me (actually always knew but forgotten) that hurt people, hurt people. then suddenly it seemed all the more clear to me!

"defile" in this verse means to make common. it's so easy to speak in faith when u're surrrounded with bible-verse spewing people... people who know and believe in the grace that Jesus is. who believe we have been forgiven n have no condemnation FIRST in Christ. but where i am now, do i still believe despite what i hear? or whether i still can speak in faith n be the salt of the earth as Jesus called us to be? or do i wallow back into the mud n become like how everyone else thinks life naturally is. i'm nt placed in this earth to score enough points to renovate my mansion in heaven... all things have been freely given to me with Christ Jesus! i'm here to live out my victory n to impact ohers with my very life! what a high calling to be called to enjoy Him n His riches! *deep breath* God is so good to me. He truly is.

see this lovely pair of earrings?? i saw them in bugis street n fell in love with them... i JUST sooooo needed this pair of earrings to add to my collection. the girl told me it's a CHANEL design, handmade in korea, dats why they sell so ex at S$39, only brought in 2 pairs. i was sooooo tempted to buy them on the spot, but sheryl boh stopped me (by reminding me i can buy 12 face masks frm the face shop with the money... -_-"). she was quite successful bcos i managed to pull myself away w/o buying them. then just now i happened to chance upon this exact same pair online frm a korean shopping website... they're selling at KRW12,000... which converts to abt S$20!!! i almost got cheated into paying 200% for them!!! angry! it just makes me so much more convicted to save all my $$$ to go to korea SOON!!!!!!!!! n spend them all... haha. word of warning to all out there: U BETTA NT BUY THIS PAIR! THEY'RE MINE!