한국을 좋아해~!
resorts world
visit korea
big bang!
allkpop
the face shop
beauty credit
the skin food
etude house
나의 평생에 선하심과 인자하심이 정녕 나를 따르리니 내가 여호와의 집에 영원히 거하리로다.
=spiritual food=
new creation church hillsong australia
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
dunno how to say this any other way... but i'm really contented, with how i've been spending my days lah anyway... just started working nt too long ago, n i found it's quite true that i do enjoy working with this airline, even if it means waking up at 3.30am to make-up. the best thing abt working freelance is i work such short hrs most of the time, giving me ample time for everything else. i like what i'm doing now, giving myself space to enjoy w/o commitment. nt that i'm planning to slack ard for long, it's just that i feel that this is the golden time i get to explore new things, gain new experiences, n fulfill some of my littler dreams... i.e TRAVEL!!!! i have been thinking abt the possibility of further studies just for the sake of the possibility of it, to which i still think "nah", so... on to other things. now i have time to dream abt my dream korea holiday (hyun bin! song hye kyo! bi! kimchi! bibimbap! hanbok! etude! yayyy!), israel trip (ultimate man), HM6 (woohoo! i get to go~)... wondering if i shld take korean language lessons, or baking lessons (patissier sharmaine? samsuni syndrome?! haha!)...
these few days have been quite simple - come home eat, watch tv/dvd, do brainless stuff like paint nails/read mag/surf net... enjoying more time spent chatting with mama (who's back to being a homemaker again... no more waking at 3pm!) n 'teh tarik' sessions wif sheryl... mostly being quite 'loner', but yet truly nt lonely at all! i was just wondering last night, how come i seem so different frm how i think i used to be... have i truly changed, or is this just another season? whatever it is, i'm really quite happy... just me n Jesus. lying in bed at night, looking out of the window n just talking to Him... He's always listening as long as i'm talking. plus i'm nt pouring out my dreams n desires into empty hands, but into the hands of the One who cradles my heart with such gentleness, yet holds up the universe with such power! seriously, i dun care what other pple may think or say... but to me, with such an AWESOME Lover n Friend in Jesus, what is there that i cannot dream abt, that He will withold His grace n goodness frm me?
my first trip~ more to come... picture for shiokness sake.
we're at the ZOO!
shawn in a precarious position
white tiger
me & sheryl
the whole gang...
me, sheryl & shawn
still waters amidst the storm
asian elephants
we spent A LOT of time waiting for pple tho... we supposed to meet at 10am - i was ALMOST on time, late 10 mins quite not bad liao... considering is meet at ANG MO KIO!!! wahlau, i slept at 3am toking to my dear blood-sister n was supposed to wake 4 hrs later, but i overslept! *faint* woke at 8.20am... argh. my body clock lah... nowadays i sleep at 3-4am n wake at 2-3pm (heh...), how to wake up lidat now. so... quite a feat for me lah. tho i got only 1 wk to correct my clock, bcos i'll soon hafta wake at 3.30am to go work!! anyway, frm 10am... we only made our way n reached the zoo at like, 1pm lah. but we're all together, so nvm... it started raining real heavily halfway n the guys were getting real wet, so we sought shelter for abt an hr in the pavilion-by-the-lake n had praise & worship for a while (shawn brought his guitar to the zoo!), n played a few rounds of "tian xia wu di"... but we got to see some animals like the tapir, otter, babirusa (funny boar-like animal wif curly horn-teeth), pygmy hippo, white tigers (so cute!!!), kangaroos, n also the asian elephants! the asian elephants were probably the highlight of our whole trip lah... the elephant encloure was so big, but the animals just basically moved within a radius of... 2m? negligible for their size. we were actually hiding frm the rain again, so we sat n stoned watching the elephants. then suddenly came a "oooooooooooooooh" frm the crowd... one of the elephants had passed urine (like a tap, i heard, cos i missed dat part) n started pooping... the crowd went "OOH!" with each PLOP of the poop. quite funny, cos they looked like enormous 2kg hershey kisses dropping... (heh. i love eating hersheys kisses, this dosen't change my mind.) quote frm melissa: "the $15 was worth it! how often do u see such a sight?!" yeah lor. considering we decided to leave the zoo cos of the rain, n i din get to see the pigs at the children's zoo!
ok... it was on the overall quite an extraordinary experience. we had an early but sumptious dinner after that at purvis st the retro chicken rice place, we shared a whole chicken n ate delicious zi char! pork chop! sambal kang kong! tie ban toufu! spring onion fried beef! *drooooooool* SO GOOD! each of us ate average 2-3 bowls of rice man... cos we were so hungry! we all din eat lunch, so only survived frm watever breakfast we took! quote frm shawn: "i'm so hungry, i can eat a horse, pig, cow, elephant!" then we rmbred the poop. haha. fun lah... got to know the nyp pple too... pple i see but nv got to speak with till tdy. they're fun pple to hang with!
thoughts:
trying to relak. learning. a kind brother shared this with me, really awesome...
this choice to go back, seemed easy yet... took me quite a lot to finally come to this decision. but i guess i juz decided to put my foot down on this, that i juz want to ENJOY whatever i do, like work in CX. like how i learnt frm a precious sister, i want to be an INTEGRATED PERSON. i want to be the same person i am to my family, my friends, my colleagues. all that i believe in, i want to be free to live it out. i believe Jesus is my everything, so i dun care who u are... u're not taking me away frm my hot dates with Him on thurs/fri/sat night or sunday. n i believe everyone shld be respected, so in all that i am able i will give u none less than what i think i deserve.
ok to digress again... i mean u get such thoughts when u get poked in life lah, then u start excerising what grace n what freedom u have in Christ. so allow me to rant/vent/whatever. it's my blog. like, why shld i allow myself to be treated with sub-standards, or rather why shld anyone? i always think of how much i try to respect pple ard me, prob by being accomodating to them to as far as i can allow, yet my efforts always prove me time n again that they're useless. i still get disappointed when my unspoken expectatations dun get met. in the first place, i know i got nothing good of my flesh i can offer pple, why shld i deserve to expect anything in return? i mean i know how we shld put our expectations in Christ, that we dun become disappointed in men. n how all that i offer to others is what Christ has made me in His blood of forgiveness. but then how abt those who say we shld know our value in Christ... actually i already know the answer to whatever i've been feeling n whatever u dun understand frm reading the above before i started asking lah. there's only one answer leh. LOVE. walking in His love. nt me the one giving it. but me the one LIVING it. i love the pple ard me too much to give them out what i am by myself. i still have my idiosyncrasies, my ultra-sensitive moments, my hunger-makes-me-grouchy symptoms... n i still carry some of the attitudes frm my past, like how i especially hate to feel taken for granted, made-used of, think-i-quiet-then-u-bully-me... so on n so forth. BUT, i've come a long way n am still journeying on... discovering His perfect love for me. i liken myself to a child - trying to be good in all i do n make everyone happy most of the time, sometimes showing temper tantrums when i dun get what i want... but needing only my Father to just embrace me. in His bosom u feel His heart beat with love, u see His pleasure n delight in u in the gleam of His eyes, u feel the strength of His arms for u n to protect u... how can anyone possess such love n not love in return? His love is all i want to radiate from myself. if u see me anything else than this, i'm sorry u caught me at a wrong time or u pushed one of those buttons above that i a) stubbornly hold on to, b) drop sometimes but stick back on, c) learn frm bad pple (haha). kidding. still living k? when kingdom comes we'll see each other nice nice in heaven. until then, i'm being transformed in His image. stick ard n u'll see the fullness of glory SOOOOOOON.
my lover boy - joash!
ydae i met little joash at brightstar while waiting for ma to finish work... how he grinned at me frm outside, rmbred me - "teacher sharmaine!", ran up to me n grinned again, showing me his chocolate-filled mouth... telling me in his dao-sa voice that his papa bought him the chocolate. i'd have carried him up n kissed him all over if not for the fact that his grandma was with him! i dun tink i said why i love joash so much even though i officially only took care of him in brightstar for abt a month (n that was like in jan). i rmbr the first day in brightstar, i was so traumatised mostly cos of him. this little 2-yr-old was always standing at the door wailing "PAPA!!! MUMMY! COME!!", like the WHOLE DAY. it broke my heart to see that the teachers left him to cry there, cos apparently he'd been in school for 4 mths already n every day he was like that no matter what they told him. i usually can't stand crying toddlers, but it really broke my heart to see him like that. so i was always the one talking to him, wiping his tears, coaxing him with his lunch n afternoon-tea biscuits, tucking him into his cot n patting him to sleep... then his little round face transformed from that of an upturned frown into the most adorable grin that cld melt hearts! then he started to cling on to me like a... little koala bear? he can be so manja, eat lunch halfway he'd climb frm his chair unto my lap - "i want to sit here!"; n i'd push him away but he still stuck on to me... haha. how during lessons, he'd sit nowhere but beside me n sometimes have his own conversation with me. go playground go wash hand go music room go ANYWHERE in the classroom oso must hold my hand... he's so cute, like a little adult, bcos he speaks so well for his age. when u talk to him, he says "yes" to everything! like so proper... haha. n how he always refers himself in the 3rd person, "joash want to eat bao...", "joash want to go there..", n most imptly... "joash want teacher sharmaine!" hoohoo... i rmbr on one of the days during my last week in brightstar, while i was blow-drying the children's hair in the music room before they took their nap... he climbed up from behind, hugged me n kissed my back, n i turned to see his grinning round face, so u noe my heart melt lah! haha... n he actually said this for the first time i ever heard frm any child (2-yr-old!!), "i love you!" whoaaa i tell u... i cld almost tear. at first i juz laughed it off, but he continued n did it like 2-3 times... n the other teacher came in n saw, so i a bit paiseh lah cos i only temp but she's the form teacher n she nv kenna frm any of the kids b4. so i told him i loved him too, n tried to get him to lie down on his cot. then the form teacher told me she'd take over, so she tried patting him to sleep while i patted another boy... but then i heard joash's voice "joash can see teacher sharmaine!" haha... i cld totally feel her -_-". so well... that's the story, since then i've only been hoping i can meet him when i visit brightstar.
ok obviously i digressed, n this whole post seems to be abt joash. well... these are just some of the little things that make me so happy even up till now. tinking abt him made me forget my angry moments liao... so i shan't talk abt them. it just bewilders me sometimes how little children who don't know anything can just give their love so freely n make you so happy, yet grown-ups who know so much hold back their love so selfishly n do things that show you they dun care how you feel. that's why i love joash, i love my nieces - charis n cherie... i find so much i can learn from them, and not that i teach them abt life... but that they teach me how life is supposed to be so simple, how we're all made to love so innocently. how to keep on loving, though sometimes times can be unpleasant. how to forgive n forget, bcos ultimately u're just enjoying each other...
how u see Jesus in all these. that He's always loving us anyway... bcos that's all that He's made of. LOVE. out of His love came fullness of joy n abundance of peace. how He keeps giving n giving to us, yet so often we take His love for granted. we dun enjoy what He's already given us, we dun believe His words n get worried/depressed/fearful... slapping the hand that loves us. still He never gives up on us. LOVE - so free yet so precious n so coveted... all to receive n nothing to lose. if only i can come to the full revelation of how my whole purpose in life, my sole existence... is just to be loved by Him, then nothing can spoil my joy nor my peace.
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- Romans 8:38-39
wanting, but not lacking
dunno how to say this any other way... but i'm really contented, with how i've been spending my days lah anyway... just started working nt too long ago, n i found it's quite true that i do enjoy working with this airline, even if it means waking up at 3.30am to make-up. the best thing abt working freelance is i work such short hrs most of the time, giving me ample time for everything else. i like what i'm doing now, giving myself space to enjoy w/o commitment. nt that i'm planning to slack ard for long, it's just that i feel that this is the golden time i get to explore new things, gain new experiences, n fulfill some of my littler dreams... i.e TRAVEL!!!! i have been thinking abt the possibility of further studies just for the sake of the possibility of it, to which i still think "nah", so... on to other things. now i have time to dream abt my dream korea holiday (hyun bin! song hye kyo! bi! kimchi! bibimbap! hanbok! etude! yayyy!), israel trip (ultimate man), HM6 (woohoo! i get to go~)... wondering if i shld take korean language lessons, or baking lessons (patissier sharmaine? samsuni syndrome?! haha!)...
these few days have been quite simple - come home eat, watch tv/dvd, do brainless stuff like paint nails/read mag/surf net... enjoying more time spent chatting with mama (who's back to being a homemaker again... no more waking at 3pm!) n 'teh tarik' sessions wif sheryl... mostly being quite 'loner', but yet truly nt lonely at all! i was just wondering last night, how come i seem so different frm how i think i used to be... have i truly changed, or is this just another season? whatever it is, i'm really quite happy... just me n Jesus. lying in bed at night, looking out of the window n just talking to Him... He's always listening as long as i'm talking. plus i'm nt pouring out my dreams n desires into empty hands, but into the hands of the One who cradles my heart with such gentleness, yet holds up the universe with such power! seriously, i dun care what other pple may think or say... but to me, with such an AWESOME Lover n Friend in Jesus, what is there that i cannot dream abt, that He will withold His grace n goodness frm me?
Friday, April 21, 2006
only but a shadow
the devil tried to do something funny ydae... too bad cos of his PHD (Permanent Head Damage), got his head crushed still wanna buang. here's what happened... i was supposed to start my 1st day back at CX tdy, morning shift 5.30am, so i planned to wake at 3.30am. actually i had gone back to the office ydae in the morning for uniform fitting etc, then went suntec to meet mama n sheryl for lunch n oso to do some shopping. n all the while my head was throbbing with pain... n i is the kind wanna act hero one, if the pain bearable wun eat panadol. so i put on a black face (heh heh) n trudged thru the day until i got home, washed up, ate dinner n went to slp at 8.20pm! i was hoping to get at least 7hrs slp mah... compared to the 12hrs i'd been getting. haha. n oso hoping to slp off the headache...
BUT! i woke at ard 1am, bcos my head was still throbbing with pain. still wanna hero, dun wanna eat panadol! i started breaking out in cold sweat n taking short breaths... din really know what was up with myself. tried to sit up but cannot bear the pain... lie down oso cannot. so i did this sit-up-lie-down thing for abt 5x, den i decided to lie down n... give up? really is dunno what to do cos was so in pain... tried praying in tongues for abt 5mins, but halfway will juz drift off to groaning... then cannot liao end up calling Jesus' name over n over again, n "help me, Jesus!" (silently of cos, if nt wake my family how...). so in my great faith... i took big action. went to the fridge n ate one panadol extra. yup. then all i cld do was wait... wait for it to take effect. which it didn't lah. i waited like, an hr... n i felt a bit like "God u hear me anot?!?!?! why like no answer from You!!" cos my head still throbbed. amazingly, amidst the pain i managed to squeeze in the thought of wondering if i was having migraine. then i thought of the difference btwn headache n migraine... i rmbr i read somewhere that migraine got nausea one. THEN 2am, i sat up in my bed n felt nauseous. then i ran to the kitchen sink n puked all my dinner out (hai. wasted...), plus the panadol extra which din work lah!
-_-" cldn't be food poisoning what, din even have stomachache. n definitely nt cos i kancheong 1st day back at work lah! but after i cleaned up, i took another panadol extra n went back to slp. woke at 3.45am to make-up, ate another panadol extra, n went off to work. i very believe in "according to ur faith, be it unto u" one... so eat lor. at home can writhe in pain, in front of passengers cannot ah. stupid thing is, the panadol EXTRA did nt work! still headache! but still can smile in front of colleagues n passengers lah... they all say i look better than when they last saw me (haha. must slip this comment in one...)!
how i end all this pain? believe me, the answer cldn't be more simple. BEHOLDING JESUS. literally. came home, n instead of slping, i watched "the passion of the Christ" dvd with sheryl that coach angie lent us. i din sob watching it this time round, like i did the 1st time... but i knew i needed to be reminded of Jesus' finished work again. n i just watched intently when Jesus sweat drops of blood, when the soldiers flogged Him with the cat-of-nine-tails n almost yanked His eyes out, when they hammered the crown of thorns unto His head... all the 39 stripes, spitting upon, kicking n beating, mocking, falling down, nailing to the cross... how can i allow any pain to remain in my body any longer when Jesus has already paid it all? how cld Jesus suffer all of that n i live like it wasn't finished at the cross? this said, i had NOTHING to do on my own part. so easy, just behold n believe, that the Son of God died to take away the sins n curse that were mine, n now is risen as proof that no form of death can ever take foothold in our lives anymore! nothing spectacular or what, but surely the pain left me by the time the movie ended. God's ways so simple yet powerful! cld even go for BS n receive even after such an eventful morning...
reminded me of what pastor prince shared on sunday: the shadow of a knife cannot hurt, the shadow of a dog cannot bite. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and staff, they comfort me." i have the blood of Jesus, the blood that speaks of better things! that cries "forgiveness! healing! mercy! blessings!" for me!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
my first trip~ more to come... picture for shiokness sake.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
DISCLAIMER: ooh ok... i found out the zoo trip was suggested by my very dear n precious shepherdess - KAI JIN! *applause* bcos she so wei da, quarantined for chicken pox while we went out n have fun! nvm... the zoo will still be there for other times!
we're at the ZOO!
shawn in a precarious position
white tiger
me & sheryl
the whole gang...
me, sheryl & shawn
still waters amidst the storm
asian elephants
tdy's GOOD FRIDAY! good bcos Jesus died for all of us! so anyway, we celebrated Jesus tdy as a care group, or rather 2 cgs - tp cg n nyp cg... we went to *drumroll*... the Singapore Zoological Gardens! hailed as one of the most beautiful zoos in the world! *shishishi nod* well, our dear shepherd jonathan thought of it... n at first i was like @@ cos i was hoping we'd go to some beach n play ball or something, as we always do for every other cg outing... heh. fun wat. i like to play ball... ok lah, but go zoo quite interesting oso... i mean like, take photos with the animals lor. din tink young pple like us oso can haf fun in the zoo, considering i went 2 yrs ago only bcos of charis girl's 1-yr-old zoo excursion! i rmbred the SMELL n i wasn't very enthu lah. but i made up my mind that i was gonna enjoy myself no matter what, n i'm glad i did.
we spent A LOT of time waiting for pple tho... we supposed to meet at 10am - i was ALMOST on time, late 10 mins quite not bad liao... considering is meet at ANG MO KIO!!! wahlau, i slept at 3am toking to my dear blood-sister n was supposed to wake 4 hrs later, but i overslept! *faint* woke at 8.20am... argh. my body clock lah... nowadays i sleep at 3-4am n wake at 2-3pm (heh...), how to wake up lidat now. so... quite a feat for me lah. tho i got only 1 wk to correct my clock, bcos i'll soon hafta wake at 3.30am to go work!! anyway, frm 10am... we only made our way n reached the zoo at like, 1pm lah. but we're all together, so nvm... it started raining real heavily halfway n the guys were getting real wet, so we sought shelter for abt an hr in the pavilion-by-the-lake n had praise & worship for a while (shawn brought his guitar to the zoo!), n played a few rounds of "tian xia wu di"... but we got to see some animals like the tapir, otter, babirusa (funny boar-like animal wif curly horn-teeth), pygmy hippo, white tigers (so cute!!!), kangaroos, n also the asian elephants! the asian elephants were probably the highlight of our whole trip lah... the elephant encloure was so big, but the animals just basically moved within a radius of... 2m? negligible for their size. we were actually hiding frm the rain again, so we sat n stoned watching the elephants. then suddenly came a "oooooooooooooooh" frm the crowd... one of the elephants had passed urine (like a tap, i heard, cos i missed dat part) n started pooping... the crowd went "OOH!" with each PLOP of the poop. quite funny, cos they looked like enormous 2kg hershey kisses dropping... (heh. i love eating hersheys kisses, this dosen't change my mind.) quote frm melissa: "the $15 was worth it! how often do u see such a sight?!" yeah lor. considering we decided to leave the zoo cos of the rain, n i din get to see the pigs at the children's zoo!
ok... it was on the overall quite an extraordinary experience. we had an early but sumptious dinner after that at purvis st the retro chicken rice place, we shared a whole chicken n ate delicious zi char! pork chop! sambal kang kong! tie ban toufu! spring onion fried beef! *drooooooool* SO GOOD! each of us ate average 2-3 bowls of rice man... cos we were so hungry! we all din eat lunch, so only survived frm watever breakfast we took! quote frm shawn: "i'm so hungry, i can eat a horse, pig, cow, elephant!" then we rmbred the poop. haha. fun lah... got to know the nyp pple too... pple i see but nv got to speak with till tdy. they're fun pple to hang with!
thoughts:
trying to relak. learning. a kind brother shared this with me, really awesome...
Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands and that He had come from God and was going to God, rose from supper and laid aside His garments, took a towel and girded Himself. After that, He poured water into a basin and began washing the disciples' feet, and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded.
- John 13:3-5
Jesus knew His position, what the Father had given Him n how all things were for Him, n that nothing wld change His status. He was then able to humble Himself before His disciples, even when He knew His death on the cross was near. His dignity as God's most Beloved cld not be compromised, nor was dictated by the apparent outward lowly actions towards others... when u know ur position in Christ, how righteous u are made by faith, u know u have nothing to prove. nor uphold. nor hide.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
i'm going back to Cathay Pacific Airways to work freelance nxt wk onwards... sooner than the expected starting date in may. freelance means i renew my contract on per-month basis, n i work part-time hours (5.30-11am is quite shiok ain't it?). wasn't sure at first, but i'll see how it goes, i may juz sign on the contract. well, i really liked my job scope back when i was under attachment... so fulfilling to meet different pple all the time n juz play the part to make their trip happy, so exciting to race against time to get the flights to depart on time, so challenging to face an arrival flight alone n think on ur feet... of cos i'm vain - i like wearing that red uniform in full make-up, looking impt n exactly like the CX cabin-crew... haha. but most imptly, i love the pple i worked with, the family-environment. i mean, so many companies say what, their employees come first blah blah... but i have only felt that truly in CX. ok they dun pay me for saying this ok... n it's not propaganda. but i am really looking forward to starting work again! (obviously i dun care wat X hotel wants to offer me liao... or so i tink lah.) i notice most of what comes out of my mouth abt jobs are what i experienced in CX... so there's my obvious ans.
this choice to go back, seemed easy yet... took me quite a lot to finally come to this decision. but i guess i juz decided to put my foot down on this, that i juz want to ENJOY whatever i do, like work in CX. like how i learnt frm a precious sister, i want to be an INTEGRATED PERSON. i want to be the same person i am to my family, my friends, my colleagues. all that i believe in, i want to be free to live it out. i believe Jesus is my everything, so i dun care who u are... u're not taking me away frm my hot dates with Him on thurs/fri/sat night or sunday. n i believe everyone shld be respected, so in all that i am able i will give u none less than what i think i deserve.
ok to digress again... i mean u get such thoughts when u get poked in life lah, then u start excerising what grace n what freedom u have in Christ. so allow me to rant/vent/whatever. it's my blog. like, why shld i allow myself to be treated with sub-standards, or rather why shld anyone? i always think of how much i try to respect pple ard me, prob by being accomodating to them to as far as i can allow, yet my efforts always prove me time n again that they're useless. i still get disappointed when my unspoken expectatations dun get met. in the first place, i know i got nothing good of my flesh i can offer pple, why shld i deserve to expect anything in return? i mean i know how we shld put our expectations in Christ, that we dun become disappointed in men. n how all that i offer to others is what Christ has made me in His blood of forgiveness. but then how abt those who say we shld know our value in Christ... actually i already know the answer to whatever i've been feeling n whatever u dun understand frm reading the above before i started asking lah. there's only one answer leh. LOVE. walking in His love. nt me the one giving it. but me the one LIVING it. i love the pple ard me too much to give them out what i am by myself. i still have my idiosyncrasies, my ultra-sensitive moments, my hunger-makes-me-grouchy symptoms... n i still carry some of the attitudes frm my past, like how i especially hate to feel taken for granted, made-used of, think-i-quiet-then-u-bully-me... so on n so forth. BUT, i've come a long way n am still journeying on... discovering His perfect love for me. i liken myself to a child - trying to be good in all i do n make everyone happy most of the time, sometimes showing temper tantrums when i dun get what i want... but needing only my Father to just embrace me. in His bosom u feel His heart beat with love, u see His pleasure n delight in u in the gleam of His eyes, u feel the strength of His arms for u n to protect u... how can anyone possess such love n not love in return? His love is all i want to radiate from myself. if u see me anything else than this, i'm sorry u caught me at a wrong time or u pushed one of those buttons above that i a) stubbornly hold on to, b) drop sometimes but stick back on, c) learn frm bad pple (haha). kidding. still living k? when kingdom comes we'll see each other nice nice in heaven. until then, i'm being transformed in His image. stick ard n u'll see the fullness of glory SOOOOOOON.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
my lover boy - joash!
sometimes i wonder if i read too much into details... little things can make me very happy, yet i tink probably i let little things make me angry too.
ydae i met little joash at brightstar while waiting for ma to finish work... how he grinned at me frm outside, rmbred me - "teacher sharmaine!", ran up to me n grinned again, showing me his chocolate-filled mouth... telling me in his dao-sa voice that his papa bought him the chocolate. i'd have carried him up n kissed him all over if not for the fact that his grandma was with him! i dun tink i said why i love joash so much even though i officially only took care of him in brightstar for abt a month (n that was like in jan). i rmbr the first day in brightstar, i was so traumatised mostly cos of him. this little 2-yr-old was always standing at the door wailing "PAPA!!! MUMMY! COME!!", like the WHOLE DAY. it broke my heart to see that the teachers left him to cry there, cos apparently he'd been in school for 4 mths already n every day he was like that no matter what they told him. i usually can't stand crying toddlers, but it really broke my heart to see him like that. so i was always the one talking to him, wiping his tears, coaxing him with his lunch n afternoon-tea biscuits, tucking him into his cot n patting him to sleep... then his little round face transformed from that of an upturned frown into the most adorable grin that cld melt hearts! then he started to cling on to me like a... little koala bear? he can be so manja, eat lunch halfway he'd climb frm his chair unto my lap - "i want to sit here!"; n i'd push him away but he still stuck on to me... haha. how during lessons, he'd sit nowhere but beside me n sometimes have his own conversation with me. go playground go wash hand go music room go ANYWHERE in the classroom oso must hold my hand... he's so cute, like a little adult, bcos he speaks so well for his age. when u talk to him, he says "yes" to everything! like so proper... haha. n how he always refers himself in the 3rd person, "joash want to eat bao...", "joash want to go there..", n most imptly... "joash want teacher sharmaine!" hoohoo... i rmbr on one of the days during my last week in brightstar, while i was blow-drying the children's hair in the music room before they took their nap... he climbed up from behind, hugged me n kissed my back, n i turned to see his grinning round face, so u noe my heart melt lah! haha... n he actually said this for the first time i ever heard frm any child (2-yr-old!!), "i love you!" whoaaa i tell u... i cld almost tear. at first i juz laughed it off, but he continued n did it like 2-3 times... n the other teacher came in n saw, so i a bit paiseh lah cos i only temp but she's the form teacher n she nv kenna frm any of the kids b4. so i told him i loved him too, n tried to get him to lie down on his cot. then the form teacher told me she'd take over, so she tried patting him to sleep while i patted another boy... but then i heard joash's voice "joash can see teacher sharmaine!" haha... i cld totally feel her -_-". so well... that's the story, since then i've only been hoping i can meet him when i visit brightstar.
ok obviously i digressed, n this whole post seems to be abt joash. well... these are just some of the little things that make me so happy even up till now. tinking abt him made me forget my angry moments liao... so i shan't talk abt them. it just bewilders me sometimes how little children who don't know anything can just give their love so freely n make you so happy, yet grown-ups who know so much hold back their love so selfishly n do things that show you they dun care how you feel. that's why i love joash, i love my nieces - charis n cherie... i find so much i can learn from them, and not that i teach them abt life... but that they teach me how life is supposed to be so simple, how we're all made to love so innocently. how to keep on loving, though sometimes times can be unpleasant. how to forgive n forget, bcos ultimately u're just enjoying each other...
how u see Jesus in all these. that He's always loving us anyway... bcos that's all that He's made of. LOVE. out of His love came fullness of joy n abundance of peace. how He keeps giving n giving to us, yet so often we take His love for granted. we dun enjoy what He's already given us, we dun believe His words n get worried/depressed/fearful... slapping the hand that loves us. still He never gives up on us. LOVE - so free yet so precious n so coveted... all to receive n nothing to lose. if only i can come to the full revelation of how my whole purpose in life, my sole existence... is just to be loved by Him, then nothing can spoil my joy nor my peace.
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- Romans 8:38-39
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Christ makes all the difference
was just thinking... u noe out of all the books i've read so far (besides the Bible of cos) in my life, the one book that i rmbr most that prob caused me to make a decision to change my "person" once n for all... was this book i tink i read when i was like 6 yrs old. i mean like, at 6 yrs old in K2... what do u noe rite? this book i still rmbr is called "the tower in ho-ho wood" by enid blyton. i tink i read the whole book every day for goodness noes how long... i dun really rmbr the story, juz that there's this good little girl who dosen't fight for what she deserved even when she was being bullied, but she was always meek, kind n obedient... n in the end she won the prince's heart or something lah. so u noe what such stories do for little 6-yr-old girls... like me then. i tell u, i dun rmbr much of anything before 10 yrs old, but i rmbr the point exactly at which i told myself i'd become like that little girl.
which is good lah, for a little girl. i mean, looking back, i tink i was more "guai" than most... (heh heh). i nv cried when i fell down, started doing chores like vacuuming the house n ironing when i was 7... did all my homework AND my sister's... -_-" haha. good right. ok lah... some credit. i guess what i truly believed back then was that as long as i did my best, i'd win in the end. i can be quiet, but then it's ok, cos the most impt person (the prince) notice can liao. i wldn't blame enid blyton at all (haha), but i guess it made me subconsciously into a person that pple deem as introverted? like i dun speak unless i feel it necessary, cos i believe (means still do lah, to certain extent) that if not then i'm wasting my breath, like i want every word that comes out of my mouth to be meaningful (@@). i oso dun really like to ask pple for help/favours or things, bcos i feel (yeah maybe to greater extent) that if it is w/in my ability, then why shld i ask others? n oso i feel like, everyone goes thru similar challenges, why ask someone else for help when they have their own share to deal with?
sounds good right? but so craftily hidden... is pride. self-righteousness. based on self-efforts to win favour, praise, results... what seemed good to other pple, wasn't that good for me. i was quite a melancholic child, melancholic teen... sad what. knowing that u can only depend on urself bcos u noe no one will fight for u, no one will push u on, no one will cry for u. until i heard the gospel. the grace msg of how Jesus loves me so much that He paid for all my sins n purchased all my blessings at the cross for me. then aye... nothing for me to do liao leh, but juz to believe. whatever i want, whatever i need, whatever i desire... all i need to do is ask my Heavenly Father. not bcos so that God can give me, bcos He has already given me all of heaven n earth's riches with Jesus. but bcos when i ask, i ALLOW what He has done to take effect n to manifest in my life.
simply Jesus said, "ASK, n it SHALL BE GIVEN". no conditions applied leh. sometimes i tink we try to be more holy than Jesus... haha. Jesus din tell us what we can or what we cannot ask for, like oh only spiritual things then ask Jesus, dun disturb Him with small things we can handle ourselves. FOOLISHNESS. how we are so slow to realise that we're not giving ourselves excuses in life when we ask COMPLETELY from God. dun ask Jesus then ask who? it is taking my place as the blessed, the saved, the beloved... to enjoy what He gave me in His blood! i can ask for ANYTHING! finances, wonderful job, happy family, fun n godly friends... i may seem very much the same person that i was before Christ, quite "guai" lah that is... heh. BUT HUGE DIFFERENCE ok. JOY u cannot earn, LOVE u cannot achieve, PEACE u cannot attain... yet in an instant u call on Jesus u RECEIVE in FULL ABUNDANCE. chopped with guarantee of Holy Spirit that only HIS GOODNESS comes in.
Christ truly makes all the difference. i used to get so sad, cos i looked ard at my friends n i wondered why i was so different. want to fit into the crowd, yet dun really wanna be like the crowd, so in the end still dun really fit in. but with Christ, dosen't mean no differences... i look ard at my friends now, still got differences. but aye, dosen't matter. cos He made me like this anyway, din shock Him lah that i'm different. He din create robots. in fact now i see the differences n it just makes me wanna draw nearer to Jesus. just allowing Jesus to embrace me, let Him be my Friend in everything i do, very fun eh! haha... Jesus is my X-factor. i fit into His arms perfectly!
for whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.
moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
Romans 8:29-30