Sunday, October 31, 2004

i dunno why i'm like this now... wif dat tired n depressed look on my face again. maybe it's bcos i m. my whole body is aching, n i was SO tired the whole day at the combined cg bbq ydae... i'm so sorry i had dat look on my face, but i was really so tired i cldn't even be bothered to bring the food into my mouth. i'm touched, so many of dem were concerned for me n kept making sure i had food, even lynne n jayden. hai. all my hopes to make gd use of the time to fellowship wif some of dem all came to naught, cos my eyes were hardly open... :( i did haf a good chat wif sian hwa n lynne... i love the way dey share God's promises wif me, dey juz love n share abt His love, n i juz rcv n rcv... sian hwa, lynne n kenneth waited wif me for ma to pick me up, it was like past midnite... i won't forget wat lynne said to ma n pa when she intro-ed herself to dem. she's juz... amazing. she din haf to, but she said wat she did n i noe she wasn't juz being kind. n tdy i met up wif her n sian hwa after service to chat, n she affirmed wat she said. juz feel so loved...

yeah. tried asking myself y i feel dis way. how did i fall back into the ways of the world when i was filled wif His joy? y m i tired n depressed again? den i realised, i'm tired bcos i'm tired. duh. it's the job. n i'm depressed cos... i realise i've been so pent-up. everything i've been feeling n going thru i've kept to myself, i can't pour out to juz anyone. n i miss her so, so much... i din even realise. i dreamt she came back last nite, n it seemed so real. den i woke up n it wasn't. i wish she was there ydae... i wish she was back wif us. i miss being able to share everything wif each other. how issit things can change so drastically btwn us when i din do anything wrong? now i hang out wif others... but sometimes i dun like to see dem show me the pissed face when i dun meet up to wat dey expect out of me. like, y r dey even expecting out of me? hai. things won't ever go back to where we were anymore, it's called growing up. oh well... like lynne shared, sometimes certain things happen is bcos of God's mercy, n sometimes things dun happen is oso bcos of God's mercy. it's whether we choose to scratch the scab n cause the wound to take a longer time to heal, or whether we let it drop off in its own time. our timing, or God's timing... i get to choose.

everyday is a day to rejoice n rest in His love... bcos His grace is sufficient for me.

posted at 10:07 PM

Sunday, October 24, 2004

God has promised. YES! He WILL strengthen me. YES! He WILL prosper me. YES! He WILL increase my favour n glory in the sight of men. YES! He has sent forth His blessings... n my part is juz to say, "AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!" hallelujah! dat stupid worm of devil cannot come near me! hah.

posted at 11:10 PM

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

i'm burnt out after 2 days of work at pan pacific. hah. being a 'guest escort' sounds so nice, but having to stand, n walk, n walk, n walk, AND walk for 8 hrs straight a day IN COURT SHOES is NOT easy at all! i'm nt exaggerating. i prob get only 30 mins to sit on the job. i dun even haf time to tink, literally... my whole body n mind is always focused on being on the dot n alert, i dun haf time to, like, tok to God. honestly, i din noe working life wld be so mundane even in the hotel industry. i tell pple i dun wanna stdy, i wanna work cos den can play. how wrong. now i treasure my time in tp so much! these past 2 days seemed like ETERNITY man. it seems like ages ago dat i last went to church n heard good news n rested... when it was juz sunday.

hai~ but no matter how much i complain, u noe, God is always so faithful... i noe He's always supporting me, rooting for me... LOVING me. a lot of pple wish for God to juz sweep them off their feet, or to shine bright lights down frm heaven n speak to them in a loud voice... but God juz ain't like dat. He ain't for the spectacular drama, He juz loves us simply as our Father, n He touches my heart wif His whispers of love every single time. u noe how u wish u can juz take a day off to take a walk down the beach alone n enjoy juz being... alone? well, i did dat ydae... i was actually at ecp to bk a bbq pit for cg. alone. was feeling tired cos i had worked the day b4 n was going to work after dat. but it turned out to be such a blessing for me... the bbq pit i bked was SO far away, at costa sands there. i walked there juz to check out how long it'd take to get there frm marine cove. it turned out to be a 1/2 hr walk... which is very far actually, cos i was like camel-paced. i was so happy leh. the beach was quiet w/o much pple cos it was a wkday afternn... it was actually abt to drizzle, so there was a cool breeze w/o much sun. i was juz walking leisurely, alone, taking in the sound of the sea waves crashing on the shore cos it was high tide, enjoying the greenery of the grass n trees... so long i nv been away to spend time on my own like this. it was definitely nt by coincidence i was there, but by God's divine appointment. i juz felt so much of His peace n His love surround me, enveloping my heart... it was like He was reassuring n reminding me, dat the things i treasure the most in life still remain unchanged... i m still His little girl, no matter how much i try to grow up. n He is still my Father, juz yearning for me to allow Him to draw near n embrace me. i still haf so much love in my life... it was juz amazing, the time i spent walking down the beach. God uses something so simple, so ordinary, to bring across great msgs to me. His love, His grace... is really all dat i need. is really more than sufficient for me.


posted at 9:28 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

started my first day of work at pan pacific hotel today... dun wanna say much. juz wanna share wat God set upon my heart... i m an ambassador for Christ nt juz in church, i m an ambassador for Christ wherever whenever bcos dat's my nature in Him! if i'm favoured by Him, i'm favoured indeed! God hu created the heavens n the earth is on my side n dosen't condemn me, hu dares condemn me! hallelujah...! He is my covering, my refuge, my fortress! i fight frm victory!! touch nt the Lord's annointed man... i'm marked for favour!!

posted at 1:35 AM

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Faith opens the door to God's promise for you; and patience keeps it open until that promise is fulfilled.

posted at 1:41 AM

Saturday, October 16, 2004

i noe the truth finally. frm the very one. how do i feel? i dunno. i thot i'd be devastated, but praise Jesus, dat can nv be ever again, bcos His love guards my heart. wat now? i'm nt tinking of giving up actually. i noe wat i want. at first i thot, well maybe wait for God. den the Holy Spirit caused me to rmbr dat God does nt force His will upon me. He gives me choices, n i get to choose wat i want. if it's good for me, there'll be a peace... well. this is wat i want. i want to hang on to the hope. yet i oso noe nt to hold on tight. let go n let God. how can i rcv much more when i keep stubbornly holding tight my little bit... i hafta learn every moment, to be reminded to abandon myself in His loving arms when wat i see falls short. hope does nt disappoint! hallelujah...

thank You Lord, dat u noe my desires n my person inside out Lord, yet You still love me with all Your heart, all Your might n all Your strength... thank You Lord, dat You make EVERYTHING beautiful in its time! i will be still, n see the salvation of my Lord!

posted at 1:35 AM

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

it's times like these dat remind me of her. of how we used to laugh n tok crap, how we used to haf heart-to-heart conversations abt God, pple n the future... of how we did almost everything together n went almost everywhere wif each other. i miss her. gosh, i dunno how she can do it, but i really miss her n it hurts now. i noe i'm supposed to be secure in Jesus, but there r times pple dun noe, i'm amongst them yet i stand quietly alone wishing she was wif us. if she was here, she'd be toking wif me. i haf the others, but none really noes me like she does. at first i thot she n i were such different pple, dat it'd be so hard for us to get along... but somehow this friendship built on Jesus grew so strong, dat we poured our hearts to each other. we were like sisters, opposites but so knitted. of cos i noe i still haf a place in her heart despite wateva dat happens, i juz dun understand how she can bear to pull herself away frm us juz bcos. i noe i'm nt the only one missing her. yet we all keep quiet, it's so awkward to bring it up. i miss her laughter, n now i regret tinking dat my laughter was becoming like hers. i miss always having her ard. i miss us having fun wif the other guys, juz us. hai~ it's nt like she's gone for gd. i noe she'll come back. n it won't be juz bcos of us, but i noe it's the loving kindness of our Father. still, now i'm doing things wif others, n somehow i still tink if she were here, it wldn't be me. or maybe it'd be me n her. she makes things fun, bcos dat's her. at least dat's my opinion. now dat i'm left wif them, i wonder if i can fill up dat "fun-ness". i noe i'm nt her shadow, i'm nt her twin, n dey dun expect me to fill up her shoes. but to tell the truth, i need her ard to fill up those shoes. i want dat fun. but i oso noe, i want to be unique n nt living in her trail. i m my own person. dey love me for me. i juz hafta be myself.

it's ironic... how i wish things had nv changed btwn us. but this has led things to change btwn another 'us'. i want both worlds. yet w/o that, this wld nt haf brought us closer. i sense something special. i noe wat he did. n i love him so much more for dat. but God leads me beside still waters, i shall nt be in want.

You are my desire
everytime i'm weak I'll run to You
You're my hiding place, and my comfort
my refuge n my fortress

Lord i need Your mercy
Lord i need Your grace to see me thru'
everytime i'm hurt, i will run to You
let me dwell in Your secret place

let Your presence fall on me
let Your Spirit fall i pray
let me be refreshed, let me be restored
only You can heal me Lord
only You can really heal my heart O Lord

posted at 1:44 AM

Sunday, October 10, 2004

HALLELUJAH!!!!!! PRAISE JESUS!! i m SOOOOOO overwhelmed by the goodness of God!!! my Father, my eternal Provider, my greatest Lover!! God has simply been pouring His favour n blessings into my life! u noe, juz now i went for campus n young adults' combined meeting at the rock... b4 dat i went to deposit $ at the atm... n i saw the balance amt n i felt the lack. i had been saving up for the campus ministry historymakers 5 camp (HM5)... it costs $250. it dosen't look like much, but when i'm paying out of wateva i earn frm giving tuition, it sure seems like a lot. n i din haf the full amt, but i thot, nvm... still got time to save up dat last bit.

den wendy (whom i'm bunking wif) asked me to sign up wif her tmrw... n i juz looked at her n said,"huh... tmrw ah. i may nt haf the full amt to pay tmrw eh..." n she said,"ok lor, we sign up another day..." but then something juz stirred w/in me in dat instant n i turned back to look hard at her n say,"nvm, we sign up tmrw... i haf the full amt!" after dat, it seemed as tho i got stunned by my own words. i was tinking,"huh?! how m i gonna pay tmrw?! i only haf this much... i dun gif tuition liao, n i dun get allowance, how to come up wif the $?" but then deacon chin started preaching on how when the favour of God is upon my life, bcos of hu i m in Jesus n nt bcos of wat i do, blessings juz flow into my life n good things happen! i oso rmbred how pastor prince preached dat God will cause our situation to turn around n we will live in celebration, n dat NO ONE can revoke God's blessings upon our lives! den i got excited... the worry n sadness over the lack juz left. i din ask God specifically, but i juz sorta told myself,"nvm... God will provide dat $x dat i need.. it's ok." so i enjoyed the service n serving at the campus counter, den after dat went for dinner wif cg.

THEN!!! during dinner, a beloved brother passed me an envelope, say someone ask him pass to me, told me to open it ltr. i went to the toilet after some while to open it. i sorta knew frm the cover of the envelope wat it was, but i cldn't really believe it. well, inside the envelope was the EXACT $X AMT dat i still needed for hm5!!! hallelujah!!!! someone (i dun noe hu) had blessed me wif the $...! i cldn't believe it!! nt more, nt less, but EXACTLY wat i had trusted God for!! praise Jesus!! it's like, i din tell anyone dat i lacked $, cos i din tell anyone i was paying out of my own pocket. it really is God hu imprssed upon dat person to bless me wif this amt!! really God's grace n favour upon me eh!! cos i noe is someone frm care grp... but God increased my favour in this person's eyes... cos i noe there r others hu need $ too, but this person blessed me!! hallelujah... God is truly faithful even when i'm nt... it's His faith dat brings me blessings anyway, nt my faith!!

if He clothes the lilies of the valley... if He feeds the birds up in the sky... how much more He gives to me! how much more His love for me! how much more His heart calls out to me!! just bcos He loves me... i'm so blessed!! n i'm signing up for hm5!!! it will certainly be a blessed time of God's word n fellowship, a time of rest, refreshing, rejuvenation n restoration!!!! hallelujah!!!

posted at 1:16 AM

Thursday, October 07, 2004

YAY.................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my end-sem exams r finally over...!!!! 4 pprs!! i've now officially finished my sem 1 of yr 2! gosh. i've nv felt so relieved in a long time. 2 mths of hols, here i cum!!! but well, i tink i'm getting a job anyway, so makes no diff.

ooohhh... HM5!! it's on 1-5 dec... n i'm going!!!! hallelujah! praise Jesus! i've waited one whole yr for this, n it's paid off... God has shown me His goodness, dat He's above every storm n i can soar wif Him! i can't wait!! it's gonna be held in kuantan, beach resort!! yay...! well... i'm still waiting... waiting for this miracle i'm hoping for to manifest. restoration. for her. for us. how things can change so drastically i dunno. but we're all safe in God's hands, n His hands r mighty BIG. we can run frm each other, but we can't run away frm Him... He is always waiting for us to let Him embrace us with juz one whisper, "Abba!"... how great is His love, dat He came as a man to die for us, dat we may be called sons n daughters of God Most High!

posted at 10:30 PM