Tuesday, December 30, 2003

ahh.... juz got my new semester timetable... everyone's separated!!! i'm in 1T01, sab is in 1T04 and the rest in between i dunno... so far i dunno anyone same cls as me!! n gosh. i DID NOT GET french. so disappointing. i got 'understanding expressions of culture'. it had better be interesting. hai~ den only thurs i start at 9am, the rest at 12nn, 1pm, 2pm... den end late late. like tues end 8pm can. argh. cannot go out liao.

hmm. den again, i got time can go Bible study... haha. den me n eunice tinking of signing up for the foundation stones class which takes place every sunday. so exciting!!! but can't go for 3rd service liao, hafta go for 1st or 2nd lor... hai. i dunno how to clique with my care grp. how. i need to open myself up!! slowly slowly...

oh yeah... sunday, we actually saw jamie yeo n glenn ong in church! hah, muz be so touched after the Christmas wish special dat dey decided to come... amazing...!

sch starting in one wk... n i haven't watched any movies!!! i wanna watch LOTR! mona lisa smile! n dat chi one... argh!! where have all my money gone...
posted at 12:31 PM

Monday, December 22, 2003

The Reason
As little children, we would dream of Christmas morn'.
And all the gifts and toys, we knew we'd find.
But we never realised,
A Baby born one blessed night,
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives.

We were the reason that He gave His life,
We were the reason that He suffered and died.
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give,
To show us the reason to live.

As the years went by, we learnt more about gifts.
And giving of ourselves.
And what that means, on a dark and cloudy day,
A Man heard crying in the rain,
Because of love, because of love...

We were the reason that He gave His life,
We were the reason that He suffered and died.
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give,
To show us the reason to live.

I've finally found the reason for living,
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him.
In all that I do, every word that I say,
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him...

We are the reason that He gave His life,
We are the reason that He suffered and died.
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give,
To show us the reason to live.

He is my reason to live!

it's sad how Christmas has become all abt dat fat man in the red suit (u-noe-hu), turkeys n jingle bells... even the giving of presents has become so routine that people have forgotten its meaning- to commemorate the bringing of gifts by the wise men to baby Jesus that first Christmas.

we celebrate Christmas every year for as long as i can rmbr... it used to be so joyous when we were kids. but now it seems more like yet another family gathering. quite sad that nobody ever told us the true story of Christmas... but thank God that as we all grew up, we discovered God's love for us and the greatest gift He gave us.

this yr, although i'm broke n dun have enuff to buy presents for all my cousins n frens, i feel Christmas has become extra special for me... i've nv felt God's love more strongly than this year... that Jesus came down to earth to be one of us, to die for us that we may enjoy life eternal... i know no matter what, i have hope and i have a future! The joy of the LORD is my strength! :)

i pray all of you discover the true meaning of Christmas this year... have a truly blessed n joyous Christmas!!
posted at 9:40 PM

Thursday, December 18, 2003

"For I know the thoughts I have toward you," says the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future."

hai~ my emotions have been on a real rollercoaster ride the past 2 weeks, though mostly going down all the way. today at 7.45pm, more than 280 youths and church leaders will make their way for the HIStorymakers 4 camp in terengganu, and i won't be one of them... instead, i'll be having netball training... :(

i dunno why. i din tink much abt going for hm4 at first. probably 'cos i knew inside of me dat ma wld nt let me go. so many pple asked me- ailing, mandy, ruth, zixin... even michelle. i juz said no w/o giving a 2nd thought. i even stayed on after campus ministry meeting for the camp briefing. hai~ den elicia held my hand after the briefing and toked to me alone. she told me to cont' to trust God to provide. dat was when. the desire in me juz burned again, n so strongly. well, the nxt few days were juz... difficult. quarrelled so much with my parents. dat night i din juz cry, i sobbed real hard. i even cut down the beaded curtain frm my door to shut it (it hasn't been shut for years). i locked myself in the darkness of my room n sobbed, to myself n to God. i juz din understand y my parents wldn't let me go for hm4, y dey disapproved of me going to church. ma even brought up the jc-poly issue, which i dunno y she's still tinking abt. she brought up money n even friends. argh. i called up elicia n cried my story to her. we toked for abt 2 hrs into the wee hrs of the morning... felt so much better. she gave my number to lewis even, n he called a few times to tok to me n offer help. he's really nice, giving me advice n encouragement. he even told me he already has a place booked for me in the camp, bcos "we're trusting God with you to be able to go". i was very touched, also bcos he n elicia kept telling me $ wasn't a problem at all.

hai~ but $ is THE problem after it all. anyway, the next morning as i was speaking to lewis on the fone, ma took over n started toking to him real harshly, even condemning the church. i was so angry n upset den, 'cos ma was being so unreasonable. i felt so horrible for lewis, who has only been trying to help me... ltr dat afternn, i went for care grp at mackenzie, n sean, kelly, ruth dey all gave me real words of support. i truly felt God's presence so strongly, dat during praise n worship when zixin came over to me n held my hands up to pray for me twice, i started to break down into tears again. i will never forget the words he said... but anyway, i was so glad for all their support, yet now it seems only dey (n eunice) supported my decision to go. sheryl is totally sick of my grousing already.

well, sunday service, i prayed n i believe i did recieve my rema word from God. Pastor Dennis preached abt love. to love God is to abide in love, to love others as i love myself. he said, "there is no excuse, it's a commandment from Jesus Himself, nt an invitation..." dat's when i knew. i will nt go for hm4. after service, elicia met up with me so i cld meet lewis n coach tammie. coach tammie said she consulted the other coaches, n dey advise me to submit to my parents. which was the decision i had already made. as she n elicia prayed for me, i actually cried again, right there n then. in front of so many other youths who were happily collecting their camp bags.

i've been spending the past few days wallowing in self pity. crying to myself. i juz knew God wld bless me greatly in the camp... 5 days of non-stop praise n worship, listening to God's Word, plus fellowship with my fellow care grp n campus ministry mates. i cldn't bear missing out on such an opportunity... i juz kept trusting God dat despite the odds, i will be able to make it. even until tdy, the day of the camp. 'cos lewis told me he'd keep a space for me until the end.
romans 5:5- No one who puts their trust in the LORD will ever be put to shame.
yesterday night, i FINALLY got it. i know God did hear my prayers of 'cos, His thoughts of me are more than the sand on the beaches. i know God knew my desire to go. i know God knows i put my trust in Him. but i also know he wants me to love n honour my parents, even if it means missing the camp. i had been struggling with this all this while. n another truth i believe God wanted me to learn was the way i spent my $. sure, God is my eternal provider... but i know He wanted me to reflect on how i've been spending my $. i've been such a spendthrift, tinking dat my parents deserve to give me $ to spend... of 'cos, now i noe i'm TOTALLY wrong. i guess i learnt my lesson too late. now when i need the $ for something i want so, so badly, i can't fork it out. hai~

so near yet so far... i even had a hotel room n was gonna bunk with wendy... now. i'll only be able to hear thru the hm4 tapes. i m real disappointed. but nt in God, in myself. i brought this unto myself. i'll juz have to wait another yr. but meanwhile, i'm gonna be such a good girl, save up every single cent i have, n nxt yr... I M SO GOING MAN!! hah. nt juz for hm5, but also to israel with michelle!!!! heh...

erm. but keti is coming back to singapore to give bellydance workshops nxt feb... heh. $140++... will i give up bellydancing to save up the $? i seriously dunno yet... i've been waiting for keti for ages man.

oh yeah. i was so upset, so nt in the mood for anything, dat i called up peijun n told her i wanted to quit netball. i noe dey probably all tink it's got something to do with michelle quitting. well, maybe. but i dun tink my knee can take the training under the new coach nxt yr. already now cannot handle, n my other knee oso beginning to hurt. plus i fri, sat n sun go church. if 1 wk mon, thurs n maybe even sat go training, ma n pa will kill me. hai~ i like netball, n i can't bear to leave the team (even if i'm still awkward around them), but... but i can't let this stop me frm another camp. heh. (yeah, i'm still harping over it.) peijun din let me quit tho. she told me she'd let me rest my knee den nxt yr i cum back when new coach cums in. hai~ but i feel so bad, can't take advantage of wat she said lah. sumore i'm one of the weakest in stamina. i'll juz die if i stop now n cum back nxt yr. so. yeah. tonite train lor. God help me. for the sake of the scholarship, i'll hang on, a day at a time. even for the PACEsetters. gosh. i was so upset, i wanted to quit everything. well, i guess i'll be going for netball training AND PACEsetters workshop too.

hmm. juz now while having photo shoot for netball, got this guy called out my name frm the other end, the street soccer court there. i stared quite long 'cos i cldn't see who it was. but he waved, so i waved lor. he dosen't look like any guy i noe in tp leh. in fact, he looked n sounded like desmond. which is so weird lah. heh~ i wanna noe leh.

ahh... *satisfied* i do have a hope. nxt wk's Christmas!!! woohoo! EVERYBODY MUST STAY HOME AND WATCH THE CHRISTMAS EVE SPECIAL ON CH5 AT 8PM K! heh. yup. if i can find time to come tp library (like now... @@) to surf net den i'll update again. till then, have a blessed, blessed Christmas!!!!
posted at 1:50 PM

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Christmas is coming... yay! my favourite time of the year... my Christmas tree at home is already up, all red n gold. wat's missing r the presents below! heh. i dun haf much to spend this yr on gifts. i juz hope i have enuff for close ones, n charis girl!!! ooooo.... she's juz so adorable!! saw this tiny cute golden fairy dress juz fit for her, but she already has a santa suit for Christmas, so too bad!

i'm still bored. it's amazing how i'm out practically everyday yet i'm still feeling lidat. lucky pple who get to go for hm4, go israel, go nz, go taiwan, go korea n what not. i'm still hanging around citylink, suntec, raffles city, bugis n orchard. well, i've been trying to go thru 2 yrs of TIME magazines. hur. n i'm trying to learn hebrew on my own now. it's quite interesting... tried to read, but... i dunno. i wanna do something, i juz dunno wat.

p.s michael vartan is SOOOOO hot! he's mine!!!!!! hur. yeah rite.
posted at 5:43 PM