한국을 좋아해~!
resorts world
visit korea
big bang!
allkpop
the face shop
beauty credit
the skin food
etude house
나의 평생에 선하심과 인자하심이 정녕 나를 따르리니 내가 여호와의 집에 영원히 거하리로다.
=spiritual food=
new creation church hillsong australia
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23
Sunday, July 27, 2003
thank you ben n sharon (i love my my regular fry too!) for making me feel a lot better...! n shuhan, hey! hope to see u around in sch!
:)
gosh. i agree i'm weird.
sure, i want so much to fit in. i guess my whole life revolves around trying to get pple's approval. but i'm nt gonna act like somebody else to try to fit in. i juz can't do it, yet i'm so tempted to when i see myself quiet in a corner. actually, i'm alright wif dat, but pple ask me y i lidat, n make me feel as tho' it's nt ok to be lidat. but guess wat, i find it childish, boisterous, aa n maybe even shameless, the way i see some pple. i'm sorry if i sound conceited n mean or wateva. i really am. but i dun wanna be seen lidat, so i really dun gif a damn if i end up wif no clique. i dun wanna belong where i dun. i dun wanna be wat i'm nt. U NOE WAT. sometimes i wish to be left alone. like now.
hai~ i hate getting sick. it's so "argh...!" when i tink abt how i got sick. heh. quite farnie actually. dat day after adventure camp i left to go church rite. i was SO late, reaching there at 1.50pm for the 2pm service. i was last in line, but i actually managed to get a seat in the audi can. i din noe how to get to the overflow rm anyway. well, i was sitting nxt to this guy who was siffling. n den he sneezed. i was quite grossed out, but den i rmbred wat pastor prince said abt having faith dat no disease will come near us, frm psalms 91. so i took a deep breath in faith. hur. i also fell aslp a few times during the sermon, so i was prob breathing in all his germs. i tink God juz made His pt known to me nt to be so stupid as to purposely breathe in his germs n den trust dat i won't get sick lah. hur. farnie ah me.
hai~ i juz snapped at ma n sheryl. wonder if the fever is the cause of me getting all heated up. dunno lah... going thru a depressing patch again. dun feel like doing anything at all.
argh. knee pain cos of injury (which is still there! grr...), both heels pain frm the darn hard shoes i wore tdy which tore thru my skin, thighs pain frm kayaking (now den pain), throat pain frm contracting flu frm the guy bside me in church... nt feeling gd at all.
ok, i shld stop whining. actually tdy started as a great day. i had lotsa fun hanging wif sabrina (my small fry!!), sharon (my regular fry!! haha...), karine, pamela n den priyanka too. jus crapping arnd n everything. i dunno y but i like hanging wif sabrina! she's SHO cute!! like, she's tiny n i'm huge, n we look damn funny walking together... i always tink she looks like a 7 yr old... hee, oops. she's really a nice girl, n i really get so amused when she toks like a little kiddie in dat SHO cute voice... i can really act myself, totally crappified, in front of her. n batman (a.k.a priyanka) !! haha...
oh... i was walking wif small fry, priyanka n jessica when i saw gerald frm afar. i was like "oh shit" cos he saw me. he den walked over to katherine to tell her, n i pretended to look away, but kat called out to me so i stopped, turned n looked. i acted surprised of cos... gerald seemed more friendly than kat lor, weird. n he looks cute (heh, ok, nt the pt...). gerald asked me y i was here n which course all the blah blah. turns out he, kat, dennis n anli are in hospitality, so they're like, my seniors in the same fac! ok... i felt so stressed toking to them, cos like, ahs sec 3 n 4 nv tok now start toking kinda thing. but it was nice dat dey greeted n toked to me... n i was walking wif priyanka to training when i saw chong hui wif this girl in front of us. i wasn't sure it was him, n he turned back 3 times b4 recognising me... haha... den turn out priyanka noes dat girl oso... so many yrs nv tok to chong hui, it was really nice to meet n chat lidat. n it was like no-stress toking, even teasing n crapping sometimes (me lah, tease him abt the girl...). it's so heartwarming (?) to meet old frens lidat, i do hope we get to see more of each other.
hmm. i shld start doing my hw. gotta do tourism principles tut plus csa... n it's already 1am. aiya, maybe i do tmrw during 2.5 hrs break... i shall go slp n wake up jovial to start a new day!!
oooh, before i left for the camp, i went to meet up with shuzhen n wanxuan at starbucks siglap to talk over coffee... it was so nice!! had a lot of fun in dat hour or so... laffed a lot abt so many things, really felt gd! we took some fotos wif my hp too! wonder how to upload them here... anyway, thanks cheenapok n wanxuan! really miss hanging with y'all! muz do this more often n pull yvonne along k!
gosh. tmrw still got netball training... help!!!
i've been doing wat i want the past few days, nt putting up a front anymore... n i'm a lot happier.
everyday in poly passes by so quickly... there are only 2-3 lessons a day, n they're fun n easy to follow, really just so relaxed. tdy we had group discussion for 2 hrs during "tourism principles n practice" tut crapping abt how to solve this problem given to us. then during comp cls we did 2 hrs on "how to use powerpoint 2000". like so duh rite. argh, but dat mr benedict got some central control thingie, can't surf net while he talks. wat's cool though is every single comp is LCD flat monitor. anyway, it's just a real huge release after so much hard work of trying to keep up in jc, dat now i dun even feel as though i'm studying at all. but maybe it's just starting, maybe the nightmares come later...
had netball training last night from 6-9pm. it was quite slack... but i made a lot of new frens (yeah). there were almost 20 freshies who came i tink, n i was like tinking, "gosh, i'm gonna be bench-warmer again..." cos all of them look so pro! erm... den we started training proper n den i realised some of them cldn't play well. then ltr on the coach came, n she told us she was going to select a few girls to train with the seniors for competition. thing is, i din expect a coach (from netball singapore sumore!), n she din even intro herself! well, we played among ourselves n with the seniors, n den at the end, me n a few others actually got chosen. like... me??? i was one of the poorest players in tj netball! n even with gd players like elizabeth, janice n huimin, tj din get into top 4 for nationals either... hai~ me??? still very incredulous. i m very honoured to be chosen though... just hope training not as tough as in tj... this senior michelle toked to me awhile, i saw her n found her so familiar but cldn't rmbr where i saw her from... i tot maybe cos she yr2 tourism so i tot i see her b4. den fiona told me she n ben noes her, n she attends new creation too... like, small world can. small as a pea! haha. yup yup ben... i can't say anything here!
hai~ seems like i spend each n every day missing people. nt dat i'm obsessed or anything... just dat life really changes every so often. we can never go back to the way things were, yet i can't imagine life in the future. existential angst again. living day to day, day by day... (ok........ i tot i just said i was feeling gd today. why in the whole world i go make myself depressed??? grr. i tink it's some habit. weird old me babbling again...)
spent some time together with fiona n eunice, shopping for stuff n toking n eating... nutting special abt it, but it felt nice to hang out together as a trio again... but like, i hang out with so many frens now, i somehow dun rmbr much abt how special it was to juz be with the 2 of them. we used to be forever together in ahs. can tok abt anything. be myself. now i seem to be always putting on a front, dat i dun even rmbr how i really m anymore... been changing myself subtlely to the pple around me. BUT... i still adore my frens as they r! it's me who can't stand my fickleness. ah. watever. ignore my warped thinking (quoted from sheryl).
ydae i had lunch with the tj netballers. it was a buffet held at kat's condo. we din stay long, but it was fun... it was like a farewell thing for becky n me. it was really sweet when dey presented me wif presents at the end... even mrs lam gave me famous amos cookies. oh well, i opened up to them too late... anyway, i went for the hafla at night. it wasn't anything fancy, just a cc thing... lydia was very enthu in trying to get me join the club n the classes... but, i still tink keti is the best, n although claribel's lessons are cheaper, i just dun see myself dancing like her, since i'm already so accustomed to keti's style. i wanna go egypt!! i miss the feeling of dancing in her studio...
hmm. karin told me to stick to her more cos she feels awkward just always being with wilfred. hah. ok lor... tmrw i start the full timetable. can i handle it? i also have netball training tmrw. hai~ i dunno lah. feeling here n there now... there are times where i'm so so sure that i'm gonna make myself do so well in poly n get a scholarship to get a degree overseas (hopefully US or switzerland!)... n i noe this is one scholarship dat is achievable! den on days like this when, like, my face is oily (heh heh) n i have morning breath (double heh heh) dat sometimes reality hits in hard. it's all too good to be true, but i so want it to be!! it helps dat i'm a dreamer, so i still believe dat... anyway, is that degree so impt to me? i've told so many pple dat actually i just wanna settle down n i dun actually care for a degree. but now i do. maybe circumstances n pple's words have changed me. i dun wanna get stuck with a $1200-$1700 monthly income. okok, dat sounds materialistic. but i want to fulfil many dreams, like travelling the world! ooohhh... i was so excited dat day while a few of us were in the norgen vaaz cafe in tp having dessert! sharon, karine, wilfred, karin n i talked so enthusiastically abt going backpacking together! like, i din noe there were actually pple like me who loved backpacking as well! then again, everyone in TRM loves travelling... it's like, finally, i find my own "kind" of pple!
it's nice to have frens who share the same interests... but i guess it's the frens hu stick around in tough times dat are more treasured. i jus hope i can do the same for them.
one thing i've changed my mind abt, is frens. i saw nicholas tdy after sch at bedok interchange. he was wif a bunch of vj frens. i got down the bus den gave him a punch (hope i din hurt him much.) on his arm. he seemed surprised to see me, well, i jus smiled n waved n went off. he actually caught up wif me much ltr n we toked a while. it felt gd to see him. n dat's wat i mean. best frens, now i learn, r those dat bring a smile to ur face w/o u noeing when u see dem. i guess dey're those who make us smile inside too. i dun hafta always noe where dey r or wat dey're doing, cos i noe (at least, i hope i'm rite!) no matter wat, i noe i can count on dem when i need dem (nt jus the 4 of dem, but khairi, kat n xr, u too! n the rest of u hu're courteously reading this crap, thanks!). yeah...
i tink the new frens i've made in poly r incredible... as in, we've bonded so well so quickly! karin is always so bubbly as usual, n her sense of "fun-ness" is so infectious... i'm grateful to be part of her "care-bear" clique! :) it's so nice having wilfred, karine n sharon around too... i got a gd feeling abt the friendship we haf formed in this short span of time! den tdy while waiting for netball training to start (which was cancelled in the end... argh!) with priya, priyanka n sabrina, i had a lot of fun laffing n crapping wif dem as well! i jus feel so blessed dat i'm nt as lonely as i felt in tj at first... den again, dat experience in tj helped a lot.
met stephanie n julynn at bedok mrt ydae... i gotta admit, i get all "hmm. hai..." when i see tjcians. nostalgic? too strong. anyway, it was so gd seeing n toking to dem, even for a while. stephanie gave me a foto of our cls gers at the cls bbq, n told me to keep it properly as a memento. for steph to say dat, i tell u, it's really touching. ok ok... no drama-mama. when i'm in tp having lessons, i'll imagine how dey r in tj, like wat dey'll be doing at this time n stuff. i wonder how it's like w/o me dere. i really wanna go back n visit, but i guess it's still too soon. wait, sharmaine...! aiya!! sometimes i can't stand myself oso...! like, get over urself! hai~ but gimme space for self-pity lah, it's nt easy to leave w/o graduating. toking abt which, i dun tink i'll be attending grad nite for tj (ah!! fullerton!), like so wrong lor.
i still daydream abt meeting him. dunno watever for oso. hai~ WHY?! yeah. gosh, do i sound desperate? i seriously hope nt. i insist dat i'm nt. heh. i tink i siao liao.
sometimes i tink this blogging thing is very hypocritical. like, diary got let pple read one meh. nvm lah, y'all read wif open mind k. dun like den dun visit liao. dis is me. if i feel dis way, u can't change me. whatever.
hmm... i realise my entries r always complaints. maybe i shld write something happier. but... wat? aiya. oh, i signed up for netball n adventure club tdy. the netball booth was rather pathetic, i almost cldn't find it. but the ONLY girl who was there was friendly, so it's ok. i dunno wat came over me to join adventure club. but i can learn to kayak n scuba dive, den can dun go camping or climbing, so it shld be ok as well... got free red t-shirt. hee. very nice... n comfy (wearing now). only had one tutorial tdy. frm 10am to 12nn. den a few of us girls explored HALF the campus. totally tired us out. i have to say, i do enjoy the immense freedom. n ooohhh.... dey have so much food n so many cafes in tp!! hai~ but i do still miss tj. dun stop me. i dun tink i'm nt moving on. i tink i'm jus too sentimental. yeah yeah, i noe i used to complain everyday dat i hated tj. well, u nv treasure something until u lose it.
meeting the tj netballers for buffet lunch this sat. i really dunno how to react then. but i m real glad to be able to hang out with dem one last time as a team, cos i guess after this, dey won't invite me to the junior-treat-senior liao, much as i wld love to go. den at night got bellydance hafla. was quite reluctant to go alone, but i promised lydia... i figured, i'm frm tourism mgt! i shld be more outgoing... n it's been ages since i met up with others to bellydance... can't wait to be exposed to dancing n music n drums! maybe i can join classes again. yay!
here goes another day.
tdy's my first official sch day in tp... ok lah, very relaxed lor. only had one tut n one lect, each 2hrs long. quite fun, cos the syllabus is so practical... i already made a whole buncha new frens, even some dat i may hang out often with soon... dere's karin (the acjc girl), karine (the really nice girl), wilfred (ok. hee. the cute starbucks guy)... den dere's also ashidah (the blue contacts malay girl), mahathir (the politically-named joker of the cls), sharon (who went tj for 1st 3 mths) n sabrina (the petite n soft spoken look-like-mixed-blood malay girl)... it's nice to have new pple to get-to-noe n hang out with... but, like karin said, i can feel cliques forming liao. but i'm glad i got to noe some of dem a bit more, esp at starbucks during our 3-hr break tdy. i guess i let my crappy self out, hope i din turn anyone off or scare dem... hai~ still dun feel like it's my sch, y'noe? like i'm a visitor still... oooh... saw a few cute guys here n dere, tho nt tall one... dat prez of the biz club (i tink) 4got wat name DAMN cute!!! heehee... he looked over at us tdy n i was swooning inside. haha... hmm. n den i still dunno wat cca to join. i feel like joining something i've nv done b4, like canoe-polo or wakeboarding, but i'm scaredy lah, so i might just end up in netball or follow the crowd n join the production crew... ah wateva.
i miss him. yeah yeah, it may sound wrong, maybe even perverted. but i see him as a friend dat i've made, n i dun forget frens easily. ok, i only saw him for the last time 1 wk ago, but i already feel as tho he just appeared in a dream n forms just part of a memory of my 18th yr in life... in fact, i did dream of him the other night, i know i smiled while dreaming can. argh. i din even get to say a proper farewell to him! it's so weird dat i'll nv see him every wk again, as tho he jus disappeared frm my life... i pray hard i'll see him in the sts n then on. but will he rmbr me? m i even a fren of his? hai~ i guess i can go on wishing.
tdy while waiting for bus to go back to tp after starbucks, i saw buses 196 n 197, n i sat down n put my head in my hands. i miss tjc. i miss the sch. i miss mr tong, mr cheng, mr ho, mrs lam. i miss the green uni. i miss the canteen. i miss the sports com. i miss stdyin under the lts. i miss the clsrms. i miss hanging out, crapping n laffing wif kat, xiaorong, khairi n corina. i even miss training n the netballers. oh well. i will visit on teacher's day. n dere're cls n netball outings cuming up... so, i guess i'm ok. i'm nt wallowing in self pity ah. i love wat i'm doing in tp. i just wish the pple around me were dem.
went to watch charlie's angels wif fiona, eunice n a couple of their clsmates the other day. i felt a bit weird, esp after seeing grace n having grace see me. dunno wat kind of weird lah. maybe i feel i'm getting too paranoid dat i'm bcuming too boring for fiona n eunice. i noe eunice felt weird too. n i dunno how to tok to her abt dat. hai~ i dun seem to noe anyone anymore. i tink fiona, eunice, nicholas n brian r still my closest frens besides family, but i dun tink i'm theirs anymore. maybe dey tink dat abt me too. i dun even noe wat's up with dem n wat's going on in their lives anymore... how can i even say dey're my best frens... nicholas asked me out for lunch again, n i felt maybe it shldn't be just the both of us, but all 5 of us. i asked fiona n i kinda sensed she wasn't too enthu abt it, so... maybe jus both of us will be fine. dunno abt brian n eunice tho. hai~ my social life feels so cold now. maybe, i dun have best frens anymore. i dun want pple to tell me, i want to feel love in friendship like i did b4. i'm nt seeking attention, in fact, i dun even noe wat i want. maybe i dun want. wateva. wat will be will be.
seems like the only thing dat will always go right for me is GOD... i love going to church every sunday to worship God n to learn abt God. it makes me so happy to noe dat no matter how aimless or mundane or insecure my life seems to be turning out, God is always there to hold my hand. if God is for me, who can be against me? :) i want so much to become more involved in church. but there r circumstances. maybe i'm nt even ready. hai~ den i also feel kinda :( dat fiona n alastair stopped going to church. i dun understand y, after so much encouragement, dey still dun want to come back to church n meet God again. i mean, i dun understand how pple survive w/o encouragement frm church abt God in our lives... i noe God has a plan, n His will is always good. all i can do is to leave them in His hands. even eunice. n sheryl. n cherlene n alain n charis. n eugene n lindy n aunty flor n uncle rennie. n nicholas n brian. n most of all myself. i pray dat He who plants the seed of faith in us, causes it n teaches us how to make it grow in us.
i only believe in this now n nutting else in the world. God gave Jesus His only Son to die for me, to be for me, to be with me. He is the only one who will nv leave me nor forsake me. i m greatly blessed, highly favoured n deeply loved. heaven n earth will fade, but His Word is forever. i want to abide in love, n therefore in Him... God, help me love the world i'm living in.
i'm feeling a lot better now. nt juz my flu, but also emotionally... i'm feeling real excited to start a new week ahead, start afresh... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference...
thank you ben n sharon (i love my my regular fry too!) for making me feel a lot better...! n shuhan, hey! hope to see u around in sch!
:)
Saturday, July 26, 2003
firstly, i kept tinking abt wat i wrote last nite so i have to say something now again. MY HUMBLEST APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE. i was mean n self-centred in saying all those stuff. i guess nbdy actually realises dat i tink such horrible thots... i'm sorry. i was juz upset ydae, but it's no excuse. i can choose to remove dat entry frm my blog, but dat wld be deceitful. i'm still real grateful for my frens ok...! thanks eunice n yingling... thanks for loving me in spite of my crap. i promise to be the nicest person i can be in thot, word n deed now!!
gosh. i agree i'm weird.
Friday, July 25, 2003
i hate it. i'm still allowing myself get depressed. y??? sometimes i can handle it. sometimes i can't. n den i let myself get hurt by wat others say... in fact, i still care very much abt wat other pple tink abt me. which is y i'm nt even writing my true feelings in here. now i tink back, i wonder y the heck i even let pple noe abt my blog. at first i tot maybe can let my frens noe wat's up wif me in TP. now i tink i'm writing for other pple to read. hey pple, i hafta say this, i write wat i feel. dun tell me wat to write or wat not to write, cos u chose to read anyway.
sure, i want so much to fit in. i guess my whole life revolves around trying to get pple's approval. but i'm nt gonna act like somebody else to try to fit in. i juz can't do it, yet i'm so tempted to when i see myself quiet in a corner. actually, i'm alright wif dat, but pple ask me y i lidat, n make me feel as tho' it's nt ok to be lidat. but guess wat, i find it childish, boisterous, aa n maybe even shameless, the way i see some pple. i'm sorry if i sound conceited n mean or wateva. i really am. but i dun wanna be seen lidat, so i really dun gif a damn if i end up wif no clique. i dun wanna belong where i dun. i dun wanna be wat i'm nt. U NOE WAT. sometimes i wish to be left alone. like now.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
argh. i've come down with a bad bout of flu n cough. i coughed so much last nite, kept waking up cos it hurt n i cldn't breathe properly. at first i thot it'd be ok, but waking up almost 6 times btwn 2-6 am din help. in the end din go sch lor, went to see doc this morning. now my lungs hurt too, but nutting to do wif sars lah. i got 6 pkts of pills n one bottle of cough syrup to fin can... n 3 days mc!! like, i wanna go sch!!!!!! nt dat i very enthu or wat, i juz dun wanna miss lessons... missing classes in poly is a lot more troublesome than in jc lor. i will haf so much to catch up on!! aiya, but i got fever oso n dey prob won't let me in oso. i din realise i had a fever, din believe it until dr lim took my temp. 38.7 is quite high rite?
hai~ i hate getting sick. it's so "argh...!" when i tink abt how i got sick. heh. quite farnie actually. dat day after adventure camp i left to go church rite. i was SO late, reaching there at 1.50pm for the 2pm service. i was last in line, but i actually managed to get a seat in the audi can. i din noe how to get to the overflow rm anyway. well, i was sitting nxt to this guy who was siffling. n den he sneezed. i was quite grossed out, but den i rmbred wat pastor prince said abt having faith dat no disease will come near us, frm psalms 91. so i took a deep breath in faith. hur. i also fell aslp a few times during the sermon, so i was prob breathing in all his germs. i tink God juz made His pt known to me nt to be so stupid as to purposely breathe in his germs n den trust dat i won't get sick lah. hur. farnie ah me.
hai~ i juz snapped at ma n sheryl. wonder if the fever is the cause of me getting all heated up. dunno lah... going thru a depressing patch again. dun feel like doing anything at all.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
hai~ was feeling quite down juz now. cos of netball. the coach sorta hinted to me dat she might hafta reconsider putting me on the team cos of my knee injury. she dosen't tink i can keep up wif the upcoming physical training for the competitions in sept wif my knee lidat. i agree wif her. but i din tink i played badly tdy wat... during the drills i din really commit cos my knee pain, but i tink i did well in the game leh... hai~ den i tink some of the other girls hu din get chosen quite pissed wif me or sumting... den the seniors oso like tink i haolian or sumting... i tink dey were trying to imitate n were laffing at the way i guard the gs, the way dat hafta jump n distract their focus. i sorta copied dat frm elizabeth, so i noe when dey were trying to copy my movement. but the coach oso din penalise me or say anything abt dat... hai~ dunno leh, i dun really like the competitiveness within the team so quickly showing. the seniors dun even bother to tok to us. i still dunno the coach's name. i hate the way this makes me feel lousy, which i noe i'm nt supposed to feel... question: y do i care so much wat pple tink abt me still??? now i tink i might quit netball if i dun get on the team. i love the game, but i'm tired of having to sacrifice my knee to do well. i spent so much time n money on physiotherapy, i'm nt gonna let it go on being injured n let it affect the other parts of my life, esp bellydancing. hai~ dunno lah. see thurs training how.
argh. knee pain cos of injury (which is still there! grr...), both heels pain frm the darn hard shoes i wore tdy which tore thru my skin, thighs pain frm kayaking (now den pain), throat pain frm contracting flu frm the guy bside me in church... nt feeling gd at all.
ok, i shld stop whining. actually tdy started as a great day. i had lotsa fun hanging wif sabrina (my small fry!!), sharon (my regular fry!! haha...), karine, pamela n den priyanka too. jus crapping arnd n everything. i dunno y but i like hanging wif sabrina! she's SHO cute!! like, she's tiny n i'm huge, n we look damn funny walking together... i always tink she looks like a 7 yr old... hee, oops. she's really a nice girl, n i really get so amused when she toks like a little kiddie in dat SHO cute voice... i can really act myself, totally crappified, in front of her. n batman (a.k.a priyanka) !! haha...
oh... i was walking wif small fry, priyanka n jessica when i saw gerald frm afar. i was like "oh shit" cos he saw me. he den walked over to katherine to tell her, n i pretended to look away, but kat called out to me so i stopped, turned n looked. i acted surprised of cos... gerald seemed more friendly than kat lor, weird. n he looks cute (heh, ok, nt the pt...). gerald asked me y i was here n which course all the blah blah. turns out he, kat, dennis n anli are in hospitality, so they're like, my seniors in the same fac! ok... i felt so stressed toking to them, cos like, ahs sec 3 n 4 nv tok now start toking kinda thing. but it was nice dat dey greeted n toked to me... n i was walking wif priyanka to training when i saw chong hui wif this girl in front of us. i wasn't sure it was him, n he turned back 3 times b4 recognising me... haha... den turn out priyanka noes dat girl oso... so many yrs nv tok to chong hui, it was really nice to meet n chat lidat. n it was like no-stress toking, even teasing n crapping sometimes (me lah, tease him abt the girl...). it's so heartwarming (?) to meet old frens lidat, i do hope we get to see more of each other.
hmm. i shld start doing my hw. gotta do tourism principles tut plus csa... n it's already 1am. aiya, maybe i do tmrw during 2.5 hrs break... i shall go slp n wake up jovial to start a new day!!
Sunday, July 20, 2003
ahhh... juz got back frm adventure club camp. i left early so i cld go to church tdy. thank God lah. i cldn't stand the new girls who joined. argh. i can't stand girls's schs. it's adventure club lor, hello, nt some country club can. everyone of them keep complaining n complaining, make the seniors so pissed n everything. hai~ i oso feel bad for leaving early. so sorry to the seniors, esp edmund. dey spent so much energy n time for us, in the end only half turned up for the camp n 3/4s of these are whiney. poor things. the first nite was fun, telling us the stupid scary story, making us hold hands in a circle n walk in the dark, with only 1 lighted white candle, to the stations... in the end was bullsh*t lor. started splashing, shooting n pouring us with water like nbdy business! we were made fools of, n were squishing arnd totally drenched. but it was good fun! den we went kayaking the whole day ydae... it looks a lot like a canoe, but they call kayak. hmm. so last time i kayak dat one is banana boat, nt kayak lah... i was quite scared of capsizing or getting seasick, but thank God everything went well. we kayaked 6 km to n frm commando jetty!! it was so fun to try getting into rafts n getting round the yachts. it was real gd rowing, n the guy rowing with me, john, actually got tired can. actually, everyone still is aching everywhere, but i nt leh... hee. fit lah. hah. i DO NOT want to tok abt the campfire... so paiseh for me. hai~ actually, a few times during the camp i was so sure i wanted to quit adventure club. din tink i cld cope wif netball training on top of this. n the pple oso... dunno lah. see how it goes. ah. n my face is sunburnt. how m i gonna face pple.
oooh, before i left for the camp, i went to meet up with shuzhen n wanxuan at starbucks siglap to talk over coffee... it was so nice!! had a lot of fun in dat hour or so... laffed a lot abt so many things, really felt gd! we took some fotos wif my hp too! wonder how to upload them here... anyway, thanks cheenapok n wanxuan! really miss hanging with y'all! muz do this more often n pull yvonne along k!
gosh. tmrw still got netball training... help!!!
Friday, July 18, 2003
ahhhh... so tired from ydae training... half the girls who came on monday quit liao, n i tink even more quitting. hah. dunno lah. i got adventure club camp frm tdy to sunday afternoon. 3 days 2 nites. like, this is my first camp in my whole life can... how pathetic (nt to mention embarrassing...). i noe there's gonna be kayaking... but i'm nt gonna climb walls or jump off them. no way. n if dey dun let me bathe i'm gonna go hme the nxt nite. heh heh. ok... i sound bimbotic. aiya, i believe it'll be fun.
i've been doing wat i want the past few days, nt putting up a front anymore... n i'm a lot happier.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
feeling quite gd tdy... for the first time in a long time, i finally feel like things are back on track n looking good again... at least i started off the day feeling gd, after reading mr tong's reply to my email. hee... he was very nice n humourous, asking me to drop by to visit them soon. gosh, i wish i cld juz cook up an excuse to go back...
everyday in poly passes by so quickly... there are only 2-3 lessons a day, n they're fun n easy to follow, really just so relaxed. tdy we had group discussion for 2 hrs during "tourism principles n practice" tut crapping abt how to solve this problem given to us. then during comp cls we did 2 hrs on "how to use powerpoint 2000". like so duh rite. argh, but dat mr benedict got some central control thingie, can't surf net while he talks. wat's cool though is every single comp is LCD flat monitor. anyway, it's just a real huge release after so much hard work of trying to keep up in jc, dat now i dun even feel as though i'm studying at all. but maybe it's just starting, maybe the nightmares come later...
had netball training last night from 6-9pm. it was quite slack... but i made a lot of new frens (yeah). there were almost 20 freshies who came i tink, n i was like tinking, "gosh, i'm gonna be bench-warmer again..." cos all of them look so pro! erm... den we started training proper n den i realised some of them cldn't play well. then ltr on the coach came, n she told us she was going to select a few girls to train with the seniors for competition. thing is, i din expect a coach (from netball singapore sumore!), n she din even intro herself! well, we played among ourselves n with the seniors, n den at the end, me n a few others actually got chosen. like... me??? i was one of the poorest players in tj netball! n even with gd players like elizabeth, janice n huimin, tj din get into top 4 for nationals either... hai~ me??? still very incredulous. i m very honoured to be chosen though... just hope training not as tough as in tj... this senior michelle toked to me awhile, i saw her n found her so familiar but cldn't rmbr where i saw her from... i tot maybe cos she yr2 tourism so i tot i see her b4. den fiona told me she n ben noes her, n she attends new creation too... like, small world can. small as a pea! haha. yup yup ben... i can't say anything here!
hai~ seems like i spend each n every day missing people. nt dat i'm obsessed or anything... just dat life really changes every so often. we can never go back to the way things were, yet i can't imagine life in the future. existential angst again. living day to day, day by day... (ok........ i tot i just said i was feeling gd today. why in the whole world i go make myself depressed??? grr. i tink it's some habit. weird old me babbling again...)
Sunday, July 13, 2003
church service was gd tdy! i was very touched during worship, dunno why juz cried tears. a release, i guess, from all dat i had been feeling abt pple n sch n stuff. i still find it quite... hard (?) to tink dat i might just belong to a charismatic church in future, ie. new creation. i noe dere r stereotyped thinkings abt charismatics, even i used to be prejudiced. but i do believe new creation church is where i want to grow in faith. i do pray God will show me!
spent some time together with fiona n eunice, shopping for stuff n toking n eating... nutting special abt it, but it felt nice to hang out together as a trio again... but like, i hang out with so many frens now, i somehow dun rmbr much abt how special it was to juz be with the 2 of them. we used to be forever together in ahs. can tok abt anything. be myself. now i seem to be always putting on a front, dat i dun even rmbr how i really m anymore... been changing myself subtlely to the pple around me. BUT... i still adore my frens as they r! it's me who can't stand my fickleness. ah. watever. ignore my warped thinking (quoted from sheryl).
tdy is sunday. waiting to go church later, den afterwards maybe can do a bit of shopping! yayyy...
ydae i had lunch with the tj netballers. it was a buffet held at kat's condo. we din stay long, but it was fun... it was like a farewell thing for becky n me. it was really sweet when dey presented me wif presents at the end... even mrs lam gave me famous amos cookies. oh well, i opened up to them too late... anyway, i went for the hafla at night. it wasn't anything fancy, just a cc thing... lydia was very enthu in trying to get me join the club n the classes... but, i still tink keti is the best, n although claribel's lessons are cheaper, i just dun see myself dancing like her, since i'm already so accustomed to keti's style. i wanna go egypt!! i miss the feeling of dancing in her studio...
hmm. karin told me to stick to her more cos she feels awkward just always being with wilfred. hah. ok lor... tmrw i start the full timetable. can i handle it? i also have netball training tmrw. hai~ i dunno lah. feeling here n there now... there are times where i'm so so sure that i'm gonna make myself do so well in poly n get a scholarship to get a degree overseas (hopefully US or switzerland!)... n i noe this is one scholarship dat is achievable! den on days like this when, like, my face is oily (heh heh) n i have morning breath (double heh heh) dat sometimes reality hits in hard. it's all too good to be true, but i so want it to be!! it helps dat i'm a dreamer, so i still believe dat... anyway, is that degree so impt to me? i've told so many pple dat actually i just wanna settle down n i dun actually care for a degree. but now i do. maybe circumstances n pple's words have changed me. i dun wanna get stuck with a $1200-$1700 monthly income. okok, dat sounds materialistic. but i want to fulfil many dreams, like travelling the world! ooohhh... i was so excited dat day while a few of us were in the norgen vaaz cafe in tp having dessert! sharon, karine, wilfred, karin n i talked so enthusiastically abt going backpacking together! like, i din noe there were actually pple like me who loved backpacking as well! then again, everyone in TRM loves travelling... it's like, finally, i find my own "kind" of pple!
it's nice to have frens who share the same interests... but i guess it's the frens hu stick around in tough times dat are more treasured. i jus hope i can do the same for them.
Friday, July 11, 2003
cldn't wait to blog tdy. i tink my diary is bcuming obsolete. heh (tink t3. ok fine.). anyway, i tink i'm in a better mood tdy, tho nt the best. i realise yet again dat i've been too caught up in myself lately... i said mean things abt pple i shldn't haf. n i'm sorry now... i m still trying to love the people arnd me unconditionally. it's nt a battle wif them, it's within me.
one thing i've changed my mind abt, is frens. i saw nicholas tdy after sch at bedok interchange. he was wif a bunch of vj frens. i got down the bus den gave him a punch (hope i din hurt him much.) on his arm. he seemed surprised to see me, well, i jus smiled n waved n went off. he actually caught up wif me much ltr n we toked a while. it felt gd to see him. n dat's wat i mean. best frens, now i learn, r those dat bring a smile to ur face w/o u noeing when u see dem. i guess dey're those who make us smile inside too. i dun hafta always noe where dey r or wat dey're doing, cos i noe (at least, i hope i'm rite!) no matter wat, i noe i can count on dem when i need dem (nt jus the 4 of dem, but khairi, kat n xr, u too! n the rest of u hu're courteously reading this crap, thanks!). yeah...
i tink the new frens i've made in poly r incredible... as in, we've bonded so well so quickly! karin is always so bubbly as usual, n her sense of "fun-ness" is so infectious... i'm grateful to be part of her "care-bear" clique! :) it's so nice having wilfred, karine n sharon around too... i got a gd feeling abt the friendship we haf formed in this short span of time! den tdy while waiting for netball training to start (which was cancelled in the end... argh!) with priya, priyanka n sabrina, i had a lot of fun laffing n crapping wif dem as well! i jus feel so blessed dat i'm nt as lonely as i felt in tj at first... den again, dat experience in tj helped a lot.
met stephanie n julynn at bedok mrt ydae... i gotta admit, i get all "hmm. hai..." when i see tjcians. nostalgic? too strong. anyway, it was so gd seeing n toking to dem, even for a while. stephanie gave me a foto of our cls gers at the cls bbq, n told me to keep it properly as a memento. for steph to say dat, i tell u, it's really touching. ok ok... no drama-mama. when i'm in tp having lessons, i'll imagine how dey r in tj, like wat dey'll be doing at this time n stuff. i wonder how it's like w/o me dere. i really wanna go back n visit, but i guess it's still too soon. wait, sharmaine...! aiya!! sometimes i can't stand myself oso...! like, get over urself! hai~ but gimme space for self-pity lah, it's nt easy to leave w/o graduating. toking abt which, i dun tink i'll be attending grad nite for tj (ah!! fullerton!), like so wrong lor.
i still daydream abt meeting him. dunno watever for oso. hai~ WHY?! yeah. gosh, do i sound desperate? i seriously hope nt. i insist dat i'm nt. heh. i tink i siao liao.
sometimes i tink this blogging thing is very hypocritical. like, diary got let pple read one meh. nvm lah, y'all read wif open mind k. dun like den dun visit liao. dis is me. if i feel dis way, u can't change me. whatever.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
2nd day of sch. only had com skills tutorial. hai~ almost cried in cls tdy. i felt so suffocated. no offense to anyone, really... but i felt so out of place in dere... critical tinking. narrative writing. expository writing. ARGH!! reminds me of english lessons in AHS sec 2!! ok... i noe karin feels this way too, she said so... i guess tracy also feels somewat lidat too, since she completed her a levels as well... i miss gp so so much. i kept tinking abt wat mr tong said to me, dat it'd be a waste for me to not do gp. ok, i noe i sound conceited, let me explain. for me, striving to do well in gp means to reach for greater heights in my use of english to express my views n display my knowledge (however limited). com skills is so practical, true, it really is helpful. but i go "huh..." sometimes when i hear wat dey say. we're worlds apart. me n them. i noe ms lim sensed dat i was feeling this way. she asked me for answers to a question, but i didn't. i just went stupid bcos i was trying too hard to be smart. hai~ God help me humble myself n do my best from now on!
hmm... i realise my entries r always complaints. maybe i shld write something happier. but... wat? aiya. oh, i signed up for netball n adventure club tdy. the netball booth was rather pathetic, i almost cldn't find it. but the ONLY girl who was there was friendly, so it's ok. i dunno wat came over me to join adventure club. but i can learn to kayak n scuba dive, den can dun go camping or climbing, so it shld be ok as well... got free red t-shirt. hee. very nice... n comfy (wearing now). only had one tutorial tdy. frm 10am to 12nn. den a few of us girls explored HALF the campus. totally tired us out. i have to say, i do enjoy the immense freedom. n ooohhh.... dey have so much food n so many cafes in tp!! hai~ but i do still miss tj. dun stop me. i dun tink i'm nt moving on. i tink i'm jus too sentimental. yeah yeah, i noe i used to complain everyday dat i hated tj. well, u nv treasure something until u lose it.
meeting the tj netballers for buffet lunch this sat. i really dunno how to react then. but i m real glad to be able to hang out with dem one last time as a team, cos i guess after this, dey won't invite me to the junior-treat-senior liao, much as i wld love to go. den at night got bellydance hafla. was quite reluctant to go alone, but i promised lydia... i figured, i'm frm tourism mgt! i shld be more outgoing... n it's been ages since i met up with others to bellydance... can't wait to be exposed to dancing n music n drums! maybe i can join classes again. yay!
here goes another day.
Monday, July 07, 2003
FINALLY!!! i get logged onto the internet again!! stupid comp! i hate this comp! i'm SO gonna get dat laptop no matter wat!!!!! ok... haven blogged for so long, feeling all pent up already. so many things to say, it may sound weird together. btw, is it alright to hate a comp... (rhetorical)
tdy's my first official sch day in tp... ok lah, very relaxed lor. only had one tut n one lect, each 2hrs long. quite fun, cos the syllabus is so practical... i already made a whole buncha new frens, even some dat i may hang out often with soon... dere's karin (the acjc girl), karine (the really nice girl), wilfred (ok. hee. the cute starbucks guy)... den dere's also ashidah (the blue contacts malay girl), mahathir (the politically-named joker of the cls), sharon (who went tj for 1st 3 mths) n sabrina (the petite n soft spoken look-like-mixed-blood malay girl)... it's nice to have new pple to get-to-noe n hang out with... but, like karin said, i can feel cliques forming liao. but i'm glad i got to noe some of dem a bit more, esp at starbucks during our 3-hr break tdy. i guess i let my crappy self out, hope i din turn anyone off or scare dem... hai~ still dun feel like it's my sch, y'noe? like i'm a visitor still... oooh... saw a few cute guys here n dere, tho nt tall one... dat prez of the biz club (i tink) 4got wat name DAMN cute!!! heehee... he looked over at us tdy n i was swooning inside. haha... hmm. n den i still dunno wat cca to join. i feel like joining something i've nv done b4, like canoe-polo or wakeboarding, but i'm scaredy lah, so i might just end up in netball or follow the crowd n join the production crew... ah wateva.
i miss him. yeah yeah, it may sound wrong, maybe even perverted. but i see him as a friend dat i've made, n i dun forget frens easily. ok, i only saw him for the last time 1 wk ago, but i already feel as tho he just appeared in a dream n forms just part of a memory of my 18th yr in life... in fact, i did dream of him the other night, i know i smiled while dreaming can. argh. i din even get to say a proper farewell to him! it's so weird dat i'll nv see him every wk again, as tho he jus disappeared frm my life... i pray hard i'll see him in the sts n then on. but will he rmbr me? m i even a fren of his? hai~ i guess i can go on wishing.
tdy while waiting for bus to go back to tp after starbucks, i saw buses 196 n 197, n i sat down n put my head in my hands. i miss tjc. i miss the sch. i miss mr tong, mr cheng, mr ho, mrs lam. i miss the green uni. i miss the canteen. i miss the sports com. i miss stdyin under the lts. i miss the clsrms. i miss hanging out, crapping n laffing wif kat, xiaorong, khairi n corina. i even miss training n the netballers. oh well. i will visit on teacher's day. n dere're cls n netball outings cuming up... so, i guess i'm ok. i'm nt wallowing in self pity ah. i love wat i'm doing in tp. i just wish the pple around me were dem.
went to watch charlie's angels wif fiona, eunice n a couple of their clsmates the other day. i felt a bit weird, esp after seeing grace n having grace see me. dunno wat kind of weird lah. maybe i feel i'm getting too paranoid dat i'm bcuming too boring for fiona n eunice. i noe eunice felt weird too. n i dunno how to tok to her abt dat. hai~ i dun seem to noe anyone anymore. i tink fiona, eunice, nicholas n brian r still my closest frens besides family, but i dun tink i'm theirs anymore. maybe dey tink dat abt me too. i dun even noe wat's up with dem n wat's going on in their lives anymore... how can i even say dey're my best frens... nicholas asked me out for lunch again, n i felt maybe it shldn't be just the both of us, but all 5 of us. i asked fiona n i kinda sensed she wasn't too enthu abt it, so... maybe jus both of us will be fine. dunno abt brian n eunice tho. hai~ my social life feels so cold now. maybe, i dun have best frens anymore. i dun want pple to tell me, i want to feel love in friendship like i did b4. i'm nt seeking attention, in fact, i dun even noe wat i want. maybe i dun want. wateva. wat will be will be.
seems like the only thing dat will always go right for me is GOD... i love going to church every sunday to worship God n to learn abt God. it makes me so happy to noe dat no matter how aimless or mundane or insecure my life seems to be turning out, God is always there to hold my hand. if God is for me, who can be against me? :) i want so much to become more involved in church. but there r circumstances. maybe i'm nt even ready. hai~ den i also feel kinda :( dat fiona n alastair stopped going to church. i dun understand y, after so much encouragement, dey still dun want to come back to church n meet God again. i mean, i dun understand how pple survive w/o encouragement frm church abt God in our lives... i noe God has a plan, n His will is always good. all i can do is to leave them in His hands. even eunice. n sheryl. n cherlene n alain n charis. n eugene n lindy n aunty flor n uncle rennie. n nicholas n brian. n most of all myself. i pray dat He who plants the seed of faith in us, causes it n teaches us how to make it grow in us.
i only believe in this now n nutting else in the world. God gave Jesus His only Son to die for me, to be for me, to be with me. He is the only one who will nv leave me nor forsake me. i m greatly blessed, highly favoured n deeply loved. heaven n earth will fade, but His Word is forever. i want to abide in love, n therefore in Him... God, help me love the world i'm living in.
for whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.
moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
Romans 8:29-30