Thursday, May 29, 2003

i saw him only for a while today. quite sad he didn't come over to chat like he always does. he did come over n we exchanged 3 lines each, but i wln't call dat a chat. :"( gosh. i shld SO get over him. i noe it's kinda wrong. no, make dat very wrong. but... hai~ why am i always too late to find nice guys like him? argh. i dunno. i just miss toking to him...
posted at 10:54 PM

Saturday, May 24, 2003

cried today. over the poly thing again. hai~ my uncle had a tok with me today. i got kinda upset cos he gave me the impression dat he felt i was too rash to choose poly, dat i shld haf continued in jc. why?! why is it everytime i've convinced myself dat i made the best move, somebody gives me otherwise. ah. wateva. i haf to make it thru. do or die.
i miss him. dreamt abt him last nite. it made me so happy cos i got to chat happily with him. it felt so real dat when i woke up halfway, i had to tell myself not to get it confused with reality. hai~ i'm sicko man. well, if it can't come true, at least i'm happy in my dreams at nite... rite?
posted at 6:38 PM

Thursday, May 22, 2003

yo yo... hai~ tried to be in a good mood tdy. den the lady at the reception at the sports medicine n research centre scolded me so loudly n fiercely for not bringing exact change... hello, it's not as if i always give her big change lor. n i gave her 10 bux can. plus she was smiling as she scolded, humph, n i used to tink she was friendly... argh. she spoiled my morning...! took a lot to make myself cool down...

saw him again tdy... i can't deny dat i like him... i do... but it's impossible, yet i keep holding on to dat shred of hope dat maybe... just maybe. even if not, well, i never want to lose these memories. he didn't speak much to me tdy. at first yeah... den the other oblivious nice guy takes over. den we both felt awkward. or so i thot. does he care? to me, i feel he does. even if just as a friend, i wldn't mind. i just have to know he cares. but dun tell me i'm like a sister. NEVER. i only need one sheryl. one sibling. i'd just die inside if i'm just his sister. tell me u're my friend. argh. i drive myself nuts with all these...! a futile attempt to build up a fantasy dat will always just stay as dat... a fantasy. but then, if not wat? let go? i can't let go. i know my limits. not fatal attraction like christi. i just want something to moon over. to look forward to. even if it ends up with nothing. guess i'm very different from you fiona... i guess i'm able to let go of wat cannot be mine. i tink. i mean, i already did dat once rite? but this time, it's different. wat happens when it all ends? how do we say goodbye? will i see him again? will he want to see me again? see him for wat. it's all daydream on my part. i tink i can handle the ending. yet i also noe i never want it to end dat's why i tink i can handle it. but it will end. i just dunno when. n maybe i'm playing a part in delaying it. what will he say? :''(

i was quite happy during gp today. from wat i noe, mr tong keeps asking where i am when he dosen't see me. he notices, n he cares! :)tdy i took pics wif him. he said it's sad to take pics. it means we're saying goodbye. but we are rite, i said. hai~ dat's one reason i can't bear to leave. he asked if i'd still come back, even after i've gone for poly. *sniff* he's the only tutor, or maybe even the only person, who clearly tells me dat they wish i will cum back. will i? it'll be so awkward! attend poly n jc at the same time? i dun mind, it's only whether they welcome me. yeah yeah, dun point at my ego. mr tong is really the best tutor i've ever had, plus he's Christian. i mean, i used to be so afraid of him, but now i noe, he's great at teaching, great at joking, great at making lessons fun, great at being patient, great at being a counsellor... he's everything i thot a teacher should be! i mean, who am i to judge? but he is really one-of-a-kind. i'm glad to have known him as a tutor n friend, even if it has only been 5 months. too bad i'll never complete my 2 yrs as gp rep, nor see dat a1 for gp on my a'level cert... i thank God for having blessed me with the times i had in tj, the friends i made, the love we shared between us. mushy. but someone has to say it. i will never regret. n i will never, ever forget evey single one of you. ----gosh, i could go on n on. :P it's my blog. but i wonder why i write so much. i mean, most of the stuff pple already noe. omigosh, i have to say this! i'm still very traumatised by it!! i almost left my diary under my table in school tdy!!! @#$% I WILL DIE OK!!! thank God i realised it! my gosh... if anyone else reads my diary...! i will move to siberia. ok. i have to eat dinner now. tata. gosh, wat am i doing, this is a BLOG. @@


posted at 6:56 PM

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

ok... i've cooled down. yeah. Holy Spirit spoke to me. i shldn't put my place in heaven at stake over such petty things... hai. it's easy to forgive outsiders... how do u forgive the pple u live with day in day out? dun tell me, i noe... u're supposed to forgive them all the time. hai. ok, now i feel horrible. God, forgive me... i keep flaring up nowadays. nope, make dat nowamonths. at first i tot it was stress from the mct. now... probably cos of poly. either these or i'm turning into a firebag. watever dat is. grr. like i said, it's not easy ok. i left the stable conveyor belt. now i'm groping around frantically trying to grasp at some kind of lifebuoy. which might even sink when i catch it. argh. i shldn't be saying this. dun look at me n tink, "i wish i did dat." dun say dat until i've proven i took the right move. then again, i really want to give all glory n honour n power to God.

tink i'm preaching? i understand, but i'm not ashamed of it. nor m i getting arrogant over it. it just makes so much sense to me that i can depend on God for everything in my life. i can't control so many things, but He controls everything! If God is with me, hu can be against me? :) life is never easy, n sometimes i wish everyone can remind themselves dat everyday. incl me. just dat i chose to rely on God. but even dat i have to remind myself too, dat i'm never alone.
posted at 9:30 PM

ARGH!!!! i hate it!!!!! can't belive it, 1/2 hr earlier i was smiling n now i'm so pissed!! i hate it dat she keeps nagging at me to get everything done! it's not dat i'm taking my own sweet time! i just dun understand why she keeps yelling at me to hurry when I'M the one going off to poly! and wat? i have to pity them for not having money to pay for my fees? so wat, now, i have to pay everything? i might as well just get a damn job n forget it! why must they make it so difficult for me?? does everyone think i'm taking it easy?? well, now i'm saying it officially, IT'S NOT EASY, AND IT NEVER WAS OK FOR ME!! I'M STILL NOT OK!! oh, but guess wat. no one cares. what a revelation. hu actually wants to listen to me grouse all the time? not even i have the patience to listen to others. allow me to be selfish for a minute...



posted at 9:09 PM

i got my enrolment package from TP liao. it just suddenly hit me that i'm from Temasek Poly now, not Temasek JC. again. i noe... everyone else is probably irritated with me and tinks i shld totally get over myself. but....... it's still such a big deal to me... sometimes i tink i can handle it, yet i tink again n then i get apprehensive. dat's just me. paranoid kia. i shld totally get over it. but no matter wat my frens say to me (thanks guys), i still feel weird when i enter tj in uniform, cos i 'm an outsider now. i tink back abt how i used to say i hated life in tj... den i tink abt all the frens i've made, how i was oga, gp rep... did i do all dat badly? :( would i have wanted dat chance to stay if i was given it? or would i have still taken the HUGE risk by choosing tourism? ..... i leave my destiny to God... He knows best, n i trust Him! :)


posted at 7:01 PM

toking abt God, i absolutely ADORE going to church every sunday! i used to tink dat new creation wasn't for me, n i kinda miss st andrew's... but now i look forward to church every sunday, cos.... i dunno! cos i love to be surrounded in a Godly environment! haven't felt dat much since days in ahs... i'm tinking abt being a member of new creation church... again, i feel weird, cos i tot i'd always belong to st andrew's, but then, i never did cos i can't get baptised yet... i hope no one gets angry or anything... i mean, it dosen't matter to God rite? God loves all His people! :)

ARGH! it's too darn hot! i'm sweating even while typing under a fan at full speed. hmm... i shall go eat now, n watch tv... tonite is tv nite! yay! tmrw got physio... den go sch for gp(the only subject i love!)... my days are totally slack now, until i start sch in july! hee. feel like some big shot, but i hope no one tinks i ap. -.-

God loves a cheerful giver. hmm. i guess dat includes love... can one give love cheerfully to another w/o hope of it being returned? i know it's impossible for anything to take place, but i really hope to be able to reach dat level. to love... w/o expecting being loved in return... '_'


posted at 6:59 PM